Mia Marcia said...
Excellent, excellent post! Words I needed to hear, it's often very difficult to take a stand for the things that cause justifiable anger. Not to mention the fact that hiding other emotions behind anger gets you nowhere and will only cause additional anger! Thank you for your brilliant words! I wholeheartedly share your feelings about the two good reasons to get angry! I'm sending your blog link to everyone I know today! The world needs to read that post! You are my bright, shining, precious Princess Daughter! You never cease to amaze, enlighten and assist in my transformation! I Love You! M

A response to my blog entry from yesterday from my Mother. I'm glad my Mother, and hopefully others, understood what I was trying to convey yesterday. I was quite fired up about the subject and I was so hoping that I was clear in my thoughts and feelings. And in re-reading it, I came across yet another concept that makes me think and that is being vulnerable. Just typing these words makes my stomach churn a little bit and causes an emotional response. Being vulnerable is so crucial to true, honest, open communication and being vulnerable can truly make a difference in those one-on-one exchanges with people. Imagine saying, "You have really hurt my feelings by saying what you said/doing what you did" instead of "I can't believe you!! I am so pissed off!!!"

When I think of being open, honest and vulnerable, I think of my niece, Hannah, who is about to be 12 years old. She makes herself vulnerable with all of those that she loves. She's so honest and perceptive and she doesn't have all of that baggage and pride rolling around in her head telling her not to be vulnerable. She, obviously, doesn't quite realize she is being vulnerable, but I'm sure she feels a lot better in her honesty and forthright nature than those of us getting mad all over town. Hannah tells you when you've hurt her feelings or when something in the world just doesn't seem right to her. She is not afraid of how the expression of her feelings will land in the world of the person she's talking to. Hannah has great maturity for her years, but she still has the honesty and vulnerability of a child. What a gift she is in my life and all of those around her. She is my role model in so many ways.

What makes me angry?

We've been looking at anger in church these past few weeks and after hearing that anger is a positive emotion and hearing things in the sermons like, "get angry at the things that God gets angry about" and "use your anger to create positive change" and "fight for your spouse, not with your spouse" all of this really hit home. So, in thinking about the things that are really about anger and not about some other emotion, I find that there are only two things that really make me angry:

1. Rudeness

2. Unfairness

I could go on and on about each, but truly, these are the two things that make me angry and I mean them on a pretty large scale. The other things in life that I thought made me angry-idiot drivers, last minute change of plans, drafty windows, my husband eating the last ice cream cone-are really about other emotions and typically things I can't control. I see that if I only get upset over the two things that truly anger me and make me mad that my anger I did have could cause a really positive effect. Imagine getting angry and bringing about change over outright unfairness. We could take that so many different directions! And rudeness, what if I used my anger over outright rudeness, to make someone's day a little brighter?

If I really thought about my current anger, I would probably find that I'd be in tears a lot more than I am now, as half the time I am angry because of fear or because I am hurt. I don't voice those initial emotions, I simply allow those feelings to be turned into anger. Confusion, Confusion. If I commit to getting angry at the things God gets angry over, in an effort to make positive change, what a fantastic mission that would be.

I would like to say that I could make this re-assessment and change in all areas of my life, but I'm going to start with the anger in my marriage...most of which is not anger at all. I really don't care that my husband eats that last ice cream cone; I can buy more!! But the things that really bother me and make me feel fearful or that hurt my feelings, I need to experience those emotions for what they are...feel vulnerable enough to live it out instead of lashing out.

Doesn't it feel wonderful when you share a true, honest moment with a friend?

FRIENDS

Laughing together at something before the statement is even finished. Complete understanding of a silly moment or a faux pas. Your friend knows you better than you know yourself sometimes and helps you realize when you are right, wrong and completely confused. You experience it together without ever saying a word to one another something serious and dramatic. Friends are the family we choose-I completely agree. Friends are the glue that hold me together.

Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samanatha

SEX & THE CITY

I relish in those true, honest moments between friends. My friends are my rock, my therapy, my truth, my healing, my courage and my fun.

GREY'S ANATOMY

Some of the fictitious friends indicated here remind me of my own close friendships that mean everything to me. They show on the screen that bond that is bendable, but never broken. The up's, the down's, the sucesses, the losses. It is all of this that makes these entertainment programs and these characters so well-loved. It is these same things that make our real life relationships so well-loved.

Brrrrr....it's chilly in Dallas!! I love it. I thought I was ready for Spring, but I've decided that the cold is wonderful. I get to stay warm and cozy under the covers, by the fire. It's going to be a perfect stay-at-home, do-something-or-nothing-at-all around the house kind of weekend. YEA!!!

If you knew today was your last day on Earth...

Anyone who watched "Grey's Anatomy" the last couple of weeks will understand why I have chosen this as a blog topic. This show, though a drama with not-so-real characters and situations, really makes me think and really makes me feel. Every week I laugh, I cry, I get angry...I feel all of the emotions this "Hurricane" should be feeling in real life toward real life situations (see previous blog for Hurricane explanation). In essence, "Grey's Anatomy" is a good outlet for me. So, I wanted to take a few days after seeing the last show to ponder this question listed above. I was surprised at some of my answers.

If I knew this was my last day on Earth I would...

want to be alone for a while, really alone, to take it all in and think about my life.

want to tell the people I love why I love them and how I feel they can make a difference.

spend as much time as possible playing with my nieces and nephew. Tell them how much they mean to me, that I will miss them, that I am always with them and that they are the future. I would also really listen to them, honor their words, take their words with me.

sit and enjoy a long, luxurious meal with my best friend, my lover, my husband. We would talk about good times, laugh at silly jokes and simply enjoy each other until we could enjoy no more.

Now imagine today is not your last day on Earth, what will you do tomorrow?

The pastor of my church posed an interesting question yesterday. We are examining anger and how it can either be a good thing or a bad thing. The pastor said when our anger is expressed in a negative way, we can all be classified by how we express our anger using these certain weather conditions. Which one of these are you?:

Tornado-ripping through those in the way of their anger, Tornadoes leave nothing behind as their strike is without warning, severe and quick, while also somewhat selective. But tornadoes are also quick to recover themselves, the feeling of anger short-lived, at least for the Tornado.

Snow Storm-passive agressive and cold shouldered, Snow Storms typically feel like not saying anything at all and let others figure it out on their own...that is until the Snow Storm gets rough and it can be a frigid wind right in the face.

Thunderstorm-lots of rain and thunder, or emotion in the sense of crying and moaning and groaning, are the dominant patterns of the Thunderstorm, as are guilt and regret.

Hurricane-gathering up the rain, the wind, the thunder and waiting until it has all come together for one large devastating storm is the way of the Hurricane. Hurricane's come in a large wave, giving only slight hints of their arrival but making their full force, at the eye of the storm, known all too well.


I am a Hurricane. I sit pretty still and quiet most of the time, but when I let things stir and stir inside me until all of the elements are just right, I finally come ashore and beat heavily down on those I feel angered at. I flood the area with rain (emotion); I blow the roofs off of houses with the ripping wind (irrationality) and I cloud the skies with grey and black (sadness).

Let's hope our weather man, Ed Young, can help us learn how to channel these storms and weather patterns into rainbows.

For more on this topic from the sermon I heard yesterday, go to:

http://fellowshipchurch.com/currentseries

Can you tell that I'm an only child?

I went to lunch with a couple of work friends today and I was telling them about this new piece of clothing that I purchased for myself this week. I have been eyeing this piece of clothing for a while, knowing it was very expensive, so I concocted a plan with my mother and bought it as my 2006 "Happy Birthday to Me" gift. (Note: My birthday is not until April 16.) When I was talking to my two work friends about the purchase, they were shocked to learn about how expensive this purchase was. And when I say shocked, I mean one of them actually said, "I have NEVER bought anything that expensive-EVER!!" I was taken aback as I actually thought this was a rather typical price for a designer item of this calibre. So, I began to wonder: Am I crazy for finding something I truly, truly love and want and just buying it?!?! I may have to pay it off in a couple of payments, or have Mom help, but it's only once a year for my birthday.

All of this goes way back...
I learned early on from my lovely mother that it is better to spend money on one really good, quality item that you love than to spend a little bit of your money on a bunch of things that you kind of like that will only be out of style or falling apart. So, I have taken that to heart and made my own little tradition. Each year, around my birthday, I go back to something, or look for something, that would be out of the question most of the year, and I consider it my "Happy Birthday To Me" gift. Last year it was a fine silk pink evening gown that I wore to my organization's Gala event; the year before it was a pair of Jimmy Choo heels; the year before that it was a skirt I had been eyeing for a while-the list goes on and on. Not all of these items have been expensive, just a special, indulgent gift to myself.

It also goes back to being an only child, and very close to my grandparents. My birthday was always a HUGE deal. I always had a big birthday party, my favorite cake, lots of friends and gifts. I was always made to feel like I was the most special person for my birthday and it's a tough thing to grow out of, I will admit. Someone whose birthdays were not as big of a deal may not completely understand and they may call it selfish or silly.

Anyway, I just took my friends' reactions to somehow mean that I was out of line for spending as much as I did on myself. I don't think I was out of line at all, I mean, I know I'm worth it, right?

Some previous blogs needing a follow-up...

1. I wrote a blog a few weeks ago about my class at SMU that was beginning. It is one of the two required courses for the masters of liberal studies (previously known as "liberal arts"). I have to say that I am enjoying the professor quite a bit and I think I am learning a lot through her tips and tricks, but there is more busy work in this class than in any of the four others I have been in. I will take it like a trooper, but I am completely overwhelmed by it all right now.

2. After my trip to Houston in January, I wrote about anger. Anger that had affected me on the final day of my trip. It was only a few moments that put a damper on things for me and I failed to mention what a fantastic time my husband and I had there with my family. That really was not fair and it was quite unnerving for some of those who read this blog, knowing I had returned from seeing my family and written this. We spent so much time with my Mom who is happier now than she's been in a really long time. We also spent time with my grandparents who fill us with so much joy and gratitude for having them in our lives. It was really, really a great trip and I am sorry for having indicated otherwise.

3. The blog I wrote just yesterday talked about my nervousness in approaching my boss about a promotion. Surprisingly, he was very receptive and open to what I had to say and he agreed that we should allow Human Resources to look at my responsibilities and see where I stand position-wise and compensation-wise. Believe me, you will know it when/if this all comes through.

4. The update I am most saddened to write is about my friend Susan. She suffered a brain aneurysm three days after Christmas and has been at Zale Lipshy hospital in Dallas for a good while now. Susan has been through some improvements and then has suffered set backs. She is in a waking coma now where her eyes open and focus, but she responds very little. She has had a shunt put into her head to assist with the drainage of fluid off of her brain and it was placed incorrectly so they will have to go back in and re-align it once she is coherent and the seizures are under control. Reading the blog that Susan's husband writes about her daily progress is very helpful, but it is heart-wrenching, knowing this family is seeing their wife and mother, sister and daughter go through this. Please keep Susan and her family in your prayers.

Have you ever been really, really nervous about something you needed to do? Not something actually scary, but something that you needed to stand up for, maybe to a person of authority, something that you knew was the right thing, but that made you really nervous all the same?

I am about to step into my boss' office this morning and tell him why I believe I am being under-valued in my job and what I need from this organization in order to move forward from that feeling and go on with my good work here. It's not a fun task, but one I know is worth the knots in my stomach and the need to wear a turtleneck today (thank goodness it's cold outside!!) to hide whatever red splotches may appear while I am speaking with him.

I don't have trouble speaking my mind at any other time, with any other person, in any other situation than when it is this time, this person and this situation.

But I slept like a baby, woke up feeling refreshed and I even have one of my favorite songs in my head since waking up this morning. A favorite song that seems to be completely appropriate for what I am going through this morning-Michael Jackson's, "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough."

Love, Hate Relationship

I was so excited to get home last night and watch my recorded episode of "Grey's Anatomy." After being at a friend's house watching the Super Bowl on Sunday, I was too tired to watch the show live when I got home and I knew I had it on my Tivo To Do List to record. No worries.

So, I got home last night, put on my comfy pajamas, wrapped up on the couch and sat down to watch the show. It's supposed to be one of the best episodes ever and I can't wait!! I love this show. I realize when I get it on that the end of the Super Bowl has to be fast-forwarded through to get to the beginning of "Grey's" and I begin to worry. What if "Grey's" gets cut off because of the Super Bowl footage? Well, I get all into the show and forget about my worries, until the part where they are calling the bomb squad and have told everyone to evacuate the hospital...suddenly, at this tense, "edge of your seat" memoment the Tivo screen pops up asking "Do you want to delete?"

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say, I was completely pissed. With my yelling out, my husband became concerned, coming to the top of the stairs to check on me. "Are you alright?" he asked. "I heard you yell out." I told him my show stopped recording and he, in disgust at my childishness shook his head and walked away. No sympathy what-so-ever from my husband.

So, I picked up the phone and called a friend who would totally understand my hysteria and, just as I thought, she made me feel much better. It was then that I realized that this is the very reason I vowed not to get attached to any TV shows-if you miss an episode, you are devastated!!

So, my Love, Hate relationship with Tivo is just that...I love that I can catch my favorites at a moment's notice and watch them later with not even a hint of a commercial. But I hate how the technology is not perfect, can't read my mind and if you don't have it set-up just right, you might miss something.

I love "Grey's Anatomy," but I hate that I am so involved in the show that I literally yelled out in angst when the show cut off last night. That is just ridiculous.

James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

"I've been in television since I was 19-years-old and I have never been in this position. As you may have heard James Frey's best-selling book, A Million Little Pieces, came under fire on January 8 when the investigative web site, "The Smoking Gun," accused Frey of fabricating and wildly embellishing key parts of his work. (About her phone call to Larry King Live stating that she stands behind the basic principles of the book:) I regret that phone call. I made a mistake and I left the impression that the truth does not matter and I am deeply sorry about that, because that is not what I believe. I called in [to Larry King Live] because I love the message of this book and at the time and every day I was reading e-mail after e-mail from so many people who had been inspired by it and I have to say that I allowed that to cloud my judgement. So, to everyone who has challenged me on this issue of truth: you are absolutely right."-Oprah Winfrey

Don, a recovering addict in Oprah's audience, 9 months sober: "I could care less about the lies in the book. I stand by James one hundred percent. I know it's true because I went through it. I think it's unfortunate that [he] lied about specific parts, but the part about addiction, I assure you from people I have spoken to and millions of others Americans, [James] saved my life..."

I purchased James Frey's A Million Little Pieces memoir because Oprah and her staff talked so much and so highly about it. I picked it up and could not put it down. It's the first book in a really long time that had me at page 1. And though I believe in truth and honesty, I feel that nothing could change how powerful and exceptionally written this book is. Frey's experiences as an addict were not lies, neither was his pain and anguish during the six weeks he spent in rehab. These are the points that stuck out for me long before the controversy. I agree that putting something in the beginning of the book that says "Based on true events" might be helpful, but I still think this book is so important and so brutally intense that it can be very helpful and eye-opening to those experiencing the torment of addiction. This book helped me to understand the grips of addiction and the maniacal intensity of recovery. As someone who is not an addict, I really benefited from seeing things from the eyes of an addict/recovering addict, their family and friends, because I needed to see how my own friends and family have had to deal with this disease. I wholeheartedly recommend James Frey's book to everyone who has ever experienced, been curious about or seen addiction.

"I have never looked into the eyes of someone Jesus did not die for," Ed Young, Jr., senior pastor, Fellowship Church.

What a powerful statement. My life and times at Fellowship Church have been comprised of many powerful statements. Statements and convictions that really make me think, really make me take a look at my life and decide if I am living "it." The "it" I am speaking of is that light and life that comes from walking with Christ, having Him in your heart and truly believing in Him. If I were to see everyone I meet in the way described above, as someone Jesus died on the cross for, I would find that having ill feelings and negative thoughts toward another person may not be quite so easy.

On another note, I have found that I have fallen out of the habit of going to church. When I miss church, I feel somewhat empty and like something is missing. But it has become so easy not to go and I really hate that. So, I am writing about this on my blog to publicly re-commit myself to being a part of church again. I miss it so much, enjoy it so much and need it so much, there's no reason not to go.