Spoke with hubby last night about blogging and how it has become a bit of an obligation for me. I also feel like it's somewhat narcissistic-always going on-line to write about yourself and what you do expecting others to be so interested in what you have to say. But hubby made a good point: it's a good way for other people who are far away to keep in touch and find out how you're doing. He says people really read my blog.

I can accept that. Before the blog I would send out life updates via e-mail to family and friends who live far away. This isn't that different except that I sometimes tackle things that annoy or interest me, share a quote that I like or that has struck me and those things also say a lot about what's going on with me and how I'm doing.

Maybe I'm just going through a slump in my blogging mind. I began a new personal journal last night as part of my birthday gift to myself and I really want to delve into things personally that I would never post on a blog. So, maybe it's also that I feel a bit violated now after Scary Blog Crasher posted a comment a week or so ago. I mean, I'm not stupid, I know many people that don't know me can access this site easily, but I never thought I would have to face those people. It has wigged me out.

I'll get over it, though. Most things don't stick with me for long. I don't carry a grudge or an ill will. I will eventually get over the Scary Blog Crasher and I will get over this sense of narcissism and obligation; it just may take a little while. Until then, you may just have to put up with my stream of consciousness posts, such as this!

It's funny how you can merely leave your own city and realize how beautiful a place only 200 miles away is. Hubby and I visited Austin this past Saturday and I was amazed at the lakes and hills and trees and overall beauty of the area we were in for a very short time. We will visit again soon.

Yesterday was a special day for me as 27 years ago I was brought into this world. Hubby and I celebrated with a fabulous, decadent dinner prepared by my most talented chef of a husband. I can't even begin to explain the melding of wonderful flavors. It was more than I could ever have asked for. I am so, so, so lucky to be married to a man with such talent that he is willing to share with me. YUM!!

Dinner is served (above). The photo's a bit blurry, but you can see the fried goat cheese and wasabi wontons aside the exquisite almond encrusted halibut, which is atop soba noodles with mushrooms and cucumber slices flavored with soy, ginger, cilantro and many other wonderful tastes. I'm sure my husband will freak at my forgetting some of the ingredients, but, man, I was too excited and ready to eat as we talked about it. It was fantastic!!!

All-in-all my 27th year started off quite well. I have a feeling this will be an age of exciting new beginnings and the betterment of some things old. Thanks to all of you who have made sure my birthday month was extra, extra special-especially my generous, loving husband. :0)

Strangers have been viewing my blog and have posted comments, and that makes me quite uncomfortable. So, I am now having to change some things to make this blog so that I am unidentifiable. Why do weirdos have to be weirdos??!!

My how the day can get away from me...
I was at work this afternoon, looked up and saw that it was already 4:30 in the afternoon and I didn't have half of what I needed done completed. Funny how that happens. Is it that I'm procrastinating because I have so much to do, or is it truly that I'm getting a lot accomplished, therefore the time is flying by?

On another note, I turn 27 in a few short days and I'm feeling a little different about that than I usually feel about my birthdays. My Mother was 27 when she had me; I always thought I would have a child by the time I was 27. But then you get here and realize that "what I always thought" is not quite reality. Maybe that's the part that bothers me...what is my reality? What is 27 supposed to feel like and look like? Is it still mid-twenties or is it almost 30; does it even matter? How much has changed from my 26th birthday?

My own food for thought and boy am I ever full up today. I'll leave it for another day.

Fabulous April Beginnings

WOW! I haven't posted in a week! I've missed it in some ways and not missed it in others. I have so much to say so here goes:

I left last Sunday for Atlanta for a work conference where I felt very valued and understood as a professional in my field. I met a ton of great people from all over the world (yes, the world, it was an international conference) and learned quite a bit through the seminars, the speakers and the vendors at the exhibits. I'm looking forward to the Association of Fundraising Professionals (AFP) international conference next year as it will be held in the Big D!!

Arrived back home last Wednesday in need of some rest. Learning and having a good time meeting lots of people wears you out! I used last Thursday and Friday to relax and pamper myself-I'm really good at that!!

On Friday, my Mom and her best friend arrived in Dallas to begin the festivities surrounding my birthday tea party (hats required). Friday night I hosted a number of my family from out of town and felt completely overwhelmed by their frantic ranting about dinner taking longer to cook than they wanted. Why is family so impatient? As soon as dinner was served, though, the natives rested and I felt much better. I enjoyed a nice conversation with my Auntie C, whom I don't see much, but enjoy lots, and it was a good night.

On Saturday morning, I relaxed with my husband and sister in law, who flew in all the way from New York. Then it was time for the big event...the Tea Party. I have not had that much fun or been that happy in a really long time. Not only did I feel exceptionally spoiled and loved by those who were in attendance, but I was also thrilled that everyone there got in the spirit of things by arriving with hats on!! Everyone looked so beautiful and so festive. I really think hats cause a certain mood that is different and fun and unique. It was a blast! We drank kir royales, wild blackberry tea and Earl Grey tea, ate finger sandwiches, scones and decadent desserts, and talked and talked like a bunch of hens. A perfect day for a true girl's girl like me!!!

On Sunday, my husband and I took my sister in law out to a friend's house. We ate dinner and chatted with them, two more New Yorkers who have three beautiful children. As we visited in these nice people's home, hubby and I found ourselves falling in love...with their 3-year-old daughter, Sophia. What a little gem she is! My husband and I spent time with Sophia in her room, the three of us just playing and playing. We laughed so hard at her cute little quips and quirks-she has a wonderful habit of doing something, anything and then putting her arms in the air and saying, "Ta-Da!" Too cute. On the way home last night, hubby and I commented on how cute those kiddos were and I thought to myself, "I can't wait to say these things about our own little ones."

All-in-all the week and weekends around it were fantastic. I am very lucky to be doing work that I so enjoy and feel good learing more and more about. I am also very, very, very blessed to have the family and friendships that I do. Life just wouldn't be even close to the same without them. And that week off from work was just what I needed.

Wishing you time to re-focus, re-connect and realize how lucky you are!!

"Unsent"

Alanis Morissette

1998

*I think we may have dated some of the same guys.

Different names, same old story.*

"Dear Matthew, I like you a lot. I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now and I respect that. I'd like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you want to come visit me in California, I could be open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song.

Dear Jonathan, I liked you too much. I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me, and think solely about themselves. You were plenty self-destrutive for my taste at the time. I used to say, the more tragic, the better. The truth is whenever I think of the early '90s, your face comes up with vegeance like it was yesterday.

Dear Terrence, I love you muchly. You've been nothing but open-hearted and emotionally available and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me. I kept drawing you in, and pushing you away. I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time. You were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself. What was wrong with me???

Dear Marcus, you rock my world. You had a charismatic way about ya with the women and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality. And you wouldn't let me get away with kickin' my own ass. But I could never feel relaxed or let the aura around you go, and that stopped us from going any further than we did. And it's kind of too bad 'cause we could have had much more fun.

Dear Lou, we learned so much. I realize we won't be able to talk for some time and I undestand that as I do you the long distance thing was hardest and we did as well as we could. We were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives. I will always have your back and be curious about you-about your career, your whereabouts."

If you had unsent letters to all of the past loves/likes/would rather forgets in your life what would they say?

I had the opportunity to speak with someone about a position at another organization yesterday much like the one I have now at Presby. It was so nice to hear myself boast a bit about the work I do each day for this organization. After almost four years, it's easy to forget that you are good at what you do and that you are worthy of praise and appreciation. The person I spoke with said they were very impressed and that filled me with great pride as this person is verl well-respected in this industry. I also shared a portfolio of my work from the last four years, and I was so excited to show it off. It was a great experience and it has given me a new, better perspective today.

After this evening (15 page draft is due in my class), I will be relaxed and ready for a fun Friday night celebrating a close friend's birthday, Saturday at home with hubby and then it's off to Atlanta on Sunday for a work conference where I am sure to be revitalized in what I do and why I do it. When I return from Atlanta next Wednesday, I will take the next two days off from work to spend time on myself-pampering, fun with friends-and then the arrival of my Mom and the H-town posse for the ever-so-chic birthday tea she is throwing for me next Saturday. I am thrilled and can't wait. It's going to be a fun-filled, exciting ten days ahead!! YEA ME!!!

"When you make mistakes, don't let them get you down, and don't let yourself think of them as stigmas. Make each failure a step to success."

Wow, it sure would be nice if we could all look at our mistakes in life in this positive way. This worthy quote has been added to my quote board here in my office. Only the most worthy and appropriate quotes and inspirations for my life make "the board."

I just heard a story about a dog, a big dog whose breed is known for being aggressive and mean at times (Pitt BullMastiff), attacking a small-size cocker spaniel who had approached it with great speed and intent and had even, by the large dog's owner's account, bitten the large dog. If you were the big dog with the bad reputation and the stereotypes attached to you, how would you have reacted to the smaller dog, seemingly cuddly and sweet, running at you with his jaws ready for a bite?

Well, I'll tell you what this large dog did, he broke lose of his owner's hold on the leash and attacked the little cocker. And as the cocker's owner caught up with her dog and saw the fight, she immediately reached in between the two dogs and grabbed her cocker, but not before the large dog's teeth bared down into her hand, puncturing the skin. The cocker's owner is fine, but the cocker has now had several surgeries and is still in serious condition. The large dog is now in lock down by the city and the large dog's owner is being pursued for legal action by the cocker's owner.

Now, let me tell you another dog story.

On one brisk Thursday afternoon, a happy owner is walking (or being walked by) her two Rottweiler mix dogs-one is 100 lbs. on a light day, the other is 65 lbs. strong.

They're all walking along and out runs a frisky Scottie dog from across the street, not on a leash. The two Rott dogs stop and sit tight, ready for the approach. The Scottie dog seems nice enough at first, sniffing and wagging, but he soon turns mean, biting at the face of the 100 lb. Rott. The smaller Rott sees the attack and nudges the Scottie politely away from his big brother. All the while, both of the Rotts remain on their leashes in the hands of their owner. The Scottie's owner soon comes running out after her dog, reaches down in between the animals, apologizing profusely, and runs away with him, unscathed, in her arms. The two Rott mixes and their owner continue on their walk and return home as happily as when they set out.

I tell these true dog stories for various reasons. They could mean something different for anyone who reads them. They're dog stories, but not just dog stories. Who would you be if these stories were told about you? Are you: the owner of the big, bad dog? the owner of the two Rott mixes? the owner of the Scottie or the Cocker? Even more, are you possibly the dog in one of these scenarios? Food for thought: Our dogs and their behavior say a lot about who we are. And if you don't have a dog, well, you still fit into one of these categories.

In my Writing class last night, we talked about Tillie Olsen's story, "I Stand Here Ironing," which is a story about a single mother raising a daughter during a tumultuous time in her life and in the U.S. The mother speaks of her beautiful baby girl just home from the hospital and how she blew bubbles with her mouth and was so cheerful, and then she talks about how at some point that cheerfulness and beauty seemed to fade. The single mother also thinks about all of the trials and tribulations she has been through and she expresses her overwhelming guilt for how it has affected her daughter emotionally and, eventually, how it has affected the mother-daughter relationship. The mother in the story speaks of how hard she has had to work, both outside and inside the home. The story is filled with depression, guilt and dark moments for the mother and the daughter.

I think this story is well-written, but I don't like it, per se. My professor asked me why I don't like it and I responded by saying: "I am the child of a single mother, whom I have always seen as a Super Mom. She never once complained about what she had and what she didn't have, how hard she had to work and, at times, the lack of time she had for herself or to spend with me. Therefore, I don't relate at all to the mother or the daughter in this story. You do the very best that you can, you let your daughter know she is loved and there's no need for guilt. Guilt is the primary issue in this story and it's very damaging to this mother-daughter relationship." My professor listened and then simply shook her head with a knowing grin. She asked another woman, in her 50s what she thought of the story. That woman replied that she, herself, is a single mother of a grown daughter, probably my age, and that she completely identified with the mother in the story. She said it is difficult and you do feel guilty and sorry for yourself at times. She went on to say that she doesn't agree with some of the decisions that the mother in the story made, but, she stated, all-in-all she thinks it's a real depiction of the single mother-daughter scenario.

I wonder...

Did my single Mother feel the way this mother did, but somehow was able to hide that from me? Was she secretly riddled with guilt and self-pity? Does she have regrets? Did she ever become disenchanted with me because I was a reminder of a hard time in her life? Did she resent me because I was hard to handle as a teen when I should have been more appreciative?

I don't think so.

I think all people are different; all mothers are different; all single mothers are different. I know life wasn't always a bowl of cherries for my Mom, but she knows she always did right by me as I was growing up. She loved me, kept me safe, provided for me, spoiled me just enough and showed me the strength, the wisdom and the courage that all women have inside of them, if they just look for it. She taught me the importance of grace, gratitude, self-confidence, friendship and true love and never lost herself in the process. She has been down and out and on top of the world, but not once did she ever make me feel bad for who I am or what she has done for me.

No, my Mother is a Super Mom.

"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights."

-Maya Angelou

A rainy day-not a problem for me. Tangled Christmas tree lights-I got that kind of patience. Lost luggage-a nightmare.

Maya Angelou speaks so honestly and so genuinely about life and people. When I come across her words as I did in an e-mail from a friend this morning, I am filled with that feeling of, "Yeah, that's right. You said it, Ms. Angelou!" But I am also filled with that introspective feeling, like when I read about the lost luggage. That would truly send me into a tailspin. It's something I can not control and that really isn't the end of the world, yet I think to myself, "Thank goodness that's never happened to me." I wonder what Ms. Angelou would say this means about my personality and who I am as a person?

My celebrations after a long week (beginning last Monday and ending this Wednesday) of negative moments:

1. I have been successful in not making one plan this week after work!! So relaxing just being at home.

2. I achieved the goal of not spending one red cent on anything this week, except for a few minutes ago when I purchased a candy bar.

3. I purchased a yummy candy bar that I was really craving and ate half, putting the other half in my bag for hubby. (Yes, I celebrate self control.)

4. I spoke with my father yesterday and things are better. I cleared up some things that were bothering me and we have a new understanding with one another.

5. I am on SPRING BREAK!! No school tonight and I am taking the day off from work tomorrow. WOO-HOO!! Happy times are here again.

Tomorrow I plan to do anything and everything that I want and nothing more. I have a massage appointment and a pedicure appointment so my relaxation and pampering will be such a nice way to start the weekend. Thanks for all of the support and love thrown my way in response to my last few blog entries. I promise I am getting back to my simple, cheery, graceful self. Have a great end of the work week and a fabulous weekend!!!

"In life, as in the dance, grace glides on blistered feet,"-Alice Abrams

After experiencing my emotional rollercoaster along with me, my Mother felt that this quote from Alice Abrams was well-suited for me right now in my life. I agree.

It is often difficult to live, or dance, in grace when life hits you with unfairness and hard knocks. The past seven days have been quite a ride and not one I want to take again. I'm hoping the dance of the following seven days and beyond is a peaceful ballroom twirl on gingerly bandaged feet, instead of a spastic whirlwind on completely blistered feet.

This dance wouldn't be so bad either...

...my ode to the "Dancing with the Stars" groupies in my life, one of which I am not.

Not to worry. I am getting back to my old self one minute, one day, one dance at a time.

I'm trying to let it go, but I really can't. I'm trying to put it into perspective, but it's just not happening.

My boss completely shut me down on the raise and promotion. HR brought my position to another level and they changed my title, but my boss says since my current compensation is within the new, higher range HR sent to him (all salary ranges overlap), he doesn't have to give me a raise. The whole reason for going to my boss about this was based on the added responsibilities I now have and my research that stated, very clearly, that I am not being fairly compensated for what I do...and HR backed that up, bringing me up a whole other level. But now my boss has decided I am not worthy of a raise. I now see how little he thinks of what I do here and the funny part is, he knows less about what I do, even after all of this back and forth with HR, than anyone else in the office.

I am so disappointed and angry. How I am I supposed to look him in the eye and act like everything is alright. He didn't even have the guts to tell me this information in person-he sent it to me in an e-mail. And he is only three doors down the hallway from me!! How can I respect him and try and be civil with him?

Weekly Horoscope for March 13-18: Aries, If you take every little detail into consideration, your head will explode, and no one wants that. On Monday and Tuesday, take things slowly, but don't take them so slowly that you obsess over matters that may turn out to be inconsequential. Your intentions are good, and you genuinely care about the other people involved, as you will demonstrate midweek. On Friday, charm someone out of a bad mood with a razzle-dazzle tap dance. But keep the tap dancing to a minimum this weekend -- your feet need a break, and your comfortable bed is just waiting for you.

Boy do my feet ever need a break...as does my head and my hands and my tummy. I continued my reckless eating and drinking well into the weekend and I am officially on detox. Nothing goes in this mouth that isn't at least somewhat good for me. I am on Spring Break from school this week so I'm hoping the weather holds up for me to get my serotonin rolling around out in the sunlight. I'm going to spend as much time as possible this week outdoors with a good book or magazine, a big glass of ice water or ice tea, my dogs and as little as possible on my mind. No plans to be made, no worries to invade, only relaxation and rejuvenation on my calendar this week and weekend.

I had a really gray day yesterday.

Earlier in the week I heard that I had missed the funeral of a husband and wife I had worked with on one of my work publications. The gentleman was very wise and was so nice to me when we sat down to talk. I was sad to miss their funeral and sad about their deaths.

I found out one of my favorite uncle's has severe lung cancer and may not have long to live.

I read the web site of new parents, friends of a close friend, whose baby, not even a year old, has had serious brain surgery. These same new parents are selling their home in preparation for living at the hospital with their child for the next 6-8 months.

I am in turmoil over the relationship, or lack thereof, with my father.

All of this weighs on my heart and my mind.

In response to this sadness and turmoil, this week I tended to eat and drink too much, go too fast, spend over my limit, etc. I made myself feel even more out of control with these behaviors than the internal emotions were making me feel over these things going in my life. Why do we do this to ourselves?

Today is better. I took back an indulgent purchase that I did not want and could not afford. I spent easy-going time with a friend at lunch outdoors, just relaxing and talking about things that don't bring stress or tension. I am in the process of resolving several work-related issues. I am tackling some things at home with my husband that are making my life so much better and freer. I am looking forward to a dinner with my best friend and time with other friends later in the evening, as well as a weekend filled with two of the things that I enjoy most-my husband and my friends.

Every day I am reminded that life is short, every minute matters so we best make it meaningful. Love those that matter to you with all you've got at all times. Don't take the unfairness of life out on yourself or those around you. Anybody have any ideas of how to remember this when faced with the kind of news I have been faced with this week?

So much to say...

I planned a re-cap of the Oscars for Monday and the time got away from me. I had planned a re-cap of the fabulous Van Morrison concert for Tuesday, but I was out most of the day for meetings. So, here I am with so much to say!!

The Oscars
I must admit, I was sincerely surprised at Jon Stewart as the host and I was even more surprised when my husband and I belted out a few laughs at his performance. He did a great job. I have never really thought of Jon Stewart as funny or as the host of the Oscars, that post is always held in my heart for my pal, Billy Crystal, but he did a good job. I enjoyed watching him. I also think the producers of the show did a great job of having interesting presenters for some really boring categories-for example, Reese Witherspoon presented the animated short film, I believe. I think they could have cut back on a few of the movie montage clips, and I was a bit surprised at the choice for best movie-"Crash." I saw this movie and really enjoyed it. It brought forth a very emotional response from me and my husband when we watched it, but we also saw "Munich," which we loved, and heard great things about the other nominees. I'm curious to know how the Academy decides what is best. I'm not upset that "Crash" won, just a little surprised. I have an Oscar confession to make: one of my most enjoyable moments of the night was seeing a Hollywood beauty lose her footing on-stage. Jennifer Garner, as cute as a button as she is, made my night when she almost fell. I'm glad she didn't fall (I'm not that mean!!), but her slip up did make for a nice chuckle. All-in-all a great Oscar experience.

Van Morrison
Wow, what a performance. Van Morrison has been one of my favorite musical artists of all time for as long as I can remember. It all began back in the '80s when I first saw "Dream a Little Dream" with Corey Feldman and that breasty teen star whose character, Laney, was all the rave with young guys everywhere and who all young girls wanted to be. In this movie, the song "Into the Mystic" by Van Morrison captures your soul and makes you sway and hum. I fell in love with "Into the Mystic" long before "Brown-Eyed Girl"...hence I am a true Van Morrison lover. I purchased a Best of... album a few years ago and I have just about worn it out. I enjoy every single song, which is unusual when there were so many songs on the CD that I had never heard. I love all of the instruments, so emotional and so heart-thumping. The concert was just as emotional, but I would have preferred to feel as one with Van and his big band in a small, intimate smokey lounge somewhere instead of in this huge theater with thousands of people. He sounds just like his records and the music is fantastic, but I wanted to be up close with him. Van was a bit disappointing in that he didn't play my favorite song, "Into the Mystic," but every song I heard was just as great as all of those songs I love on his Best of... album. I am so happy to have had this experience with a good friend who enjoys Van as much as I do. Thank you.

Today
Today is Wednesday and it's my favorite week day as it's all down hill from here. Monday is slow and tired. Tuesday is just beginning to get things going, and Wednesday is about catching up and being at top speed. I like Wednesday. I am a Wednesday kind of girl. I like Wednesday's more now than before because I dread my Thursday night class. My professor, as great as she is, loves to hear herself talk. She talks and talks and repeats herself and says things again just in a different way and I am bored to tears. I also dread the current project we are working on that's due in a few weeks-a research paper. As anyone who knows me can tell you, I really enjoy writing, but this is different. I actually have to go to the library!!! (Gasp!) I don't do school libraries very well. I really don't do public libraries very well either. I think all libraires should be organized and designed like Branes & Noble. I could stay in there all day and this project wouldn't be so scary to me. As for school libraries, I never really learned the Dewey Decimal System and the lights turn everything green...it's spooky. Ugh. So, Wednesday's are pretty carefree and a good place for me to be at this point in my life. Cheers to Wednesday's because they're not Thursday's.

Since my mom refuses to blog regularly, I will do one in her honor.

One thing you can always count on with my Mom is the ever-changing hair color. I truly believe she has been every shade of blonde, and even brunette once, throughout her life.

She was naturally a toe head as a toddler, dirty blonde with a magnificent bright blonde streak in the front of her head up until her teens and it wasn't long before one her good friends, Gail I think it was, got a hold of her and turned her dirty blonde with streak into one fully blonde head of electrifying hair. Since then my Mom has been everything from platinum, copper, honey, wheat, oat and canary. Isn't this starting to sound like a Kellogg's cereal!!??

My Mom's joke has always been that she's "worth it" much like Heather Locklear in those L'Oreal hair color ads. Heather is just one of many famous women whose hair has been the envy of my blonde ambitious mother, who has been on a lifelong journey for the "perfect blonde."

I really think her hair color directly relates to how my Mom is feeling in her life. Thinking back on that short-lived stint of short and dark brown, I believe my Mother was going through some new and different experiences at that time and her hair color definitely showed that. On my wedding day, my Mom showed her pride and excitement for me by coloring her hair a brilliant shade of canary. I thought it looked fabulous, especially with the 'do the hairdresser gave her for the day, but she wasn't so hot on those electrifying locks.

Quite the foil to my colorful Mother, my hair has not changed much at all in my almost 27 years. I was bright white as a child, as well, and I had nice dirty blonde with tempting streaks, nothing as fabulous as Mom's, up until college. But when I graduated from college and friends began referring to me as the "brunette friend," I suddenly felt what my Mom has probably felt all these years. When you see yourself as "worth it," a head-spinning, fun-loving blonde, only to be shockingly called a brunette, you find that part of the way you have seen yourself has been rattled. I knew something had to be done. Well, I didn't go quite as crazy as my Mom and her friends have gone on my Mom's hair all of these years, but I did begin getting timid "around the face highlights." Like my Mother, it makes me feel pretty and excited and, in a way, more like myself when I finish that re-blonding process.

These days my Mother has taken a more subdued view how she would like her hair color. I think she is more settled and comfortable with who she is and where she has come from. She has chosen this photo below as her inspiration for the latest hair experiment:

We are going together to get our hair done in about a month when she comes to visit. This is an event we've never shared together and I am very excited. Something that has been such a big part of who she is, will now be something I share with her.

Thanks, Mom, for all of the not-so-blonde moments and the electrifying memories. They say so much about the old soul, hippie chick that you are, as well as the chic, classy character that resides within you.

Here's to platinum memories and champagne dreams...

What does March mean to me?

March means the beginning of Spring. It means more birds chirping and less leaves falling, more sunshine and less clouds. March means special birthdays: my Mother, my friends, Barbara, Jami and Jenn, and my niece, Hannah. It means Spring Break, even when you're working every day of the week, you feel that Spring Break feeling.

March means it's almost time for another year of my life passed, Easter bunnies, candy and wearing white all to follow in April. It means we're further away from Valentine's Day, but closer to Christmas.

My how time flies...

Wishing you a Merry March.

Mia Marcia said...
Excellent, excellent post! Words I needed to hear, it's often very difficult to take a stand for the things that cause justifiable anger. Not to mention the fact that hiding other emotions behind anger gets you nowhere and will only cause additional anger! Thank you for your brilliant words! I wholeheartedly share your feelings about the two good reasons to get angry! I'm sending your blog link to everyone I know today! The world needs to read that post! You are my bright, shining, precious Princess Daughter! You never cease to amaze, enlighten and assist in my transformation! I Love You! M

A response to my blog entry from yesterday from my Mother. I'm glad my Mother, and hopefully others, understood what I was trying to convey yesterday. I was quite fired up about the subject and I was so hoping that I was clear in my thoughts and feelings. And in re-reading it, I came across yet another concept that makes me think and that is being vulnerable. Just typing these words makes my stomach churn a little bit and causes an emotional response. Being vulnerable is so crucial to true, honest, open communication and being vulnerable can truly make a difference in those one-on-one exchanges with people. Imagine saying, "You have really hurt my feelings by saying what you said/doing what you did" instead of "I can't believe you!! I am so pissed off!!!"

When I think of being open, honest and vulnerable, I think of my niece, Hannah, who is about to be 12 years old. She makes herself vulnerable with all of those that she loves. She's so honest and perceptive and she doesn't have all of that baggage and pride rolling around in her head telling her not to be vulnerable. She, obviously, doesn't quite realize she is being vulnerable, but I'm sure she feels a lot better in her honesty and forthright nature than those of us getting mad all over town. Hannah tells you when you've hurt her feelings or when something in the world just doesn't seem right to her. She is not afraid of how the expression of her feelings will land in the world of the person she's talking to. Hannah has great maturity for her years, but she still has the honesty and vulnerability of a child. What a gift she is in my life and all of those around her. She is my role model in so many ways.

What makes me angry?

We've been looking at anger in church these past few weeks and after hearing that anger is a positive emotion and hearing things in the sermons like, "get angry at the things that God gets angry about" and "use your anger to create positive change" and "fight for your spouse, not with your spouse" all of this really hit home. So, in thinking about the things that are really about anger and not about some other emotion, I find that there are only two things that really make me angry:

1. Rudeness

2. Unfairness

I could go on and on about each, but truly, these are the two things that make me angry and I mean them on a pretty large scale. The other things in life that I thought made me angry-idiot drivers, last minute change of plans, drafty windows, my husband eating the last ice cream cone-are really about other emotions and typically things I can't control. I see that if I only get upset over the two things that truly anger me and make me mad that my anger I did have could cause a really positive effect. Imagine getting angry and bringing about change over outright unfairness. We could take that so many different directions! And rudeness, what if I used my anger over outright rudeness, to make someone's day a little brighter?

If I really thought about my current anger, I would probably find that I'd be in tears a lot more than I am now, as half the time I am angry because of fear or because I am hurt. I don't voice those initial emotions, I simply allow those feelings to be turned into anger. Confusion, Confusion. If I commit to getting angry at the things God gets angry over, in an effort to make positive change, what a fantastic mission that would be.

I would like to say that I could make this re-assessment and change in all areas of my life, but I'm going to start with the anger in my marriage...most of which is not anger at all. I really don't care that my husband eats that last ice cream cone; I can buy more!! But the things that really bother me and make me feel fearful or that hurt my feelings, I need to experience those emotions for what they are...feel vulnerable enough to live it out instead of lashing out.

Doesn't it feel wonderful when you share a true, honest moment with a friend?

FRIENDS

Laughing together at something before the statement is even finished. Complete understanding of a silly moment or a faux pas. Your friend knows you better than you know yourself sometimes and helps you realize when you are right, wrong and completely confused. You experience it together without ever saying a word to one another something serious and dramatic. Friends are the family we choose-I completely agree. Friends are the glue that hold me together.

Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samanatha

SEX & THE CITY

I relish in those true, honest moments between friends. My friends are my rock, my therapy, my truth, my healing, my courage and my fun.

GREY'S ANATOMY

Some of the fictitious friends indicated here remind me of my own close friendships that mean everything to me. They show on the screen that bond that is bendable, but never broken. The up's, the down's, the sucesses, the losses. It is all of this that makes these entertainment programs and these characters so well-loved. It is these same things that make our real life relationships so well-loved.

Brrrrr....it's chilly in Dallas!! I love it. I thought I was ready for Spring, but I've decided that the cold is wonderful. I get to stay warm and cozy under the covers, by the fire. It's going to be a perfect stay-at-home, do-something-or-nothing-at-all around the house kind of weekend. YEA!!!

If you knew today was your last day on Earth...

Anyone who watched "Grey's Anatomy" the last couple of weeks will understand why I have chosen this as a blog topic. This show, though a drama with not-so-real characters and situations, really makes me think and really makes me feel. Every week I laugh, I cry, I get angry...I feel all of the emotions this "Hurricane" should be feeling in real life toward real life situations (see previous blog for Hurricane explanation). In essence, "Grey's Anatomy" is a good outlet for me. So, I wanted to take a few days after seeing the last show to ponder this question listed above. I was surprised at some of my answers.

If I knew this was my last day on Earth I would...

want to be alone for a while, really alone, to take it all in and think about my life.

want to tell the people I love why I love them and how I feel they can make a difference.

spend as much time as possible playing with my nieces and nephew. Tell them how much they mean to me, that I will miss them, that I am always with them and that they are the future. I would also really listen to them, honor their words, take their words with me.

sit and enjoy a long, luxurious meal with my best friend, my lover, my husband. We would talk about good times, laugh at silly jokes and simply enjoy each other until we could enjoy no more.

Now imagine today is not your last day on Earth, what will you do tomorrow?

The pastor of my church posed an interesting question yesterday. We are examining anger and how it can either be a good thing or a bad thing. The pastor said when our anger is expressed in a negative way, we can all be classified by how we express our anger using these certain weather conditions. Which one of these are you?:

Tornado-ripping through those in the way of their anger, Tornadoes leave nothing behind as their strike is without warning, severe and quick, while also somewhat selective. But tornadoes are also quick to recover themselves, the feeling of anger short-lived, at least for the Tornado.

Snow Storm-passive agressive and cold shouldered, Snow Storms typically feel like not saying anything at all and let others figure it out on their own...that is until the Snow Storm gets rough and it can be a frigid wind right in the face.

Thunderstorm-lots of rain and thunder, or emotion in the sense of crying and moaning and groaning, are the dominant patterns of the Thunderstorm, as are guilt and regret.

Hurricane-gathering up the rain, the wind, the thunder and waiting until it has all come together for one large devastating storm is the way of the Hurricane. Hurricane's come in a large wave, giving only slight hints of their arrival but making their full force, at the eye of the storm, known all too well.


I am a Hurricane. I sit pretty still and quiet most of the time, but when I let things stir and stir inside me until all of the elements are just right, I finally come ashore and beat heavily down on those I feel angered at. I flood the area with rain (emotion); I blow the roofs off of houses with the ripping wind (irrationality) and I cloud the skies with grey and black (sadness).

Let's hope our weather man, Ed Young, can help us learn how to channel these storms and weather patterns into rainbows.

For more on this topic from the sermon I heard yesterday, go to:

http://fellowshipchurch.com/currentseries

Can you tell that I'm an only child?

I went to lunch with a couple of work friends today and I was telling them about this new piece of clothing that I purchased for myself this week. I have been eyeing this piece of clothing for a while, knowing it was very expensive, so I concocted a plan with my mother and bought it as my 2006 "Happy Birthday to Me" gift. (Note: My birthday is not until April 16.) When I was talking to my two work friends about the purchase, they were shocked to learn about how expensive this purchase was. And when I say shocked, I mean one of them actually said, "I have NEVER bought anything that expensive-EVER!!" I was taken aback as I actually thought this was a rather typical price for a designer item of this calibre. So, I began to wonder: Am I crazy for finding something I truly, truly love and want and just buying it?!?! I may have to pay it off in a couple of payments, or have Mom help, but it's only once a year for my birthday.

All of this goes way back...
I learned early on from my lovely mother that it is better to spend money on one really good, quality item that you love than to spend a little bit of your money on a bunch of things that you kind of like that will only be out of style or falling apart. So, I have taken that to heart and made my own little tradition. Each year, around my birthday, I go back to something, or look for something, that would be out of the question most of the year, and I consider it my "Happy Birthday To Me" gift. Last year it was a fine silk pink evening gown that I wore to my organization's Gala event; the year before it was a pair of Jimmy Choo heels; the year before that it was a skirt I had been eyeing for a while-the list goes on and on. Not all of these items have been expensive, just a special, indulgent gift to myself.

It also goes back to being an only child, and very close to my grandparents. My birthday was always a HUGE deal. I always had a big birthday party, my favorite cake, lots of friends and gifts. I was always made to feel like I was the most special person for my birthday and it's a tough thing to grow out of, I will admit. Someone whose birthdays were not as big of a deal may not completely understand and they may call it selfish or silly.

Anyway, I just took my friends' reactions to somehow mean that I was out of line for spending as much as I did on myself. I don't think I was out of line at all, I mean, I know I'm worth it, right?

Some previous blogs needing a follow-up...

1. I wrote a blog a few weeks ago about my class at SMU that was beginning. It is one of the two required courses for the masters of liberal studies (previously known as "liberal arts"). I have to say that I am enjoying the professor quite a bit and I think I am learning a lot through her tips and tricks, but there is more busy work in this class than in any of the four others I have been in. I will take it like a trooper, but I am completely overwhelmed by it all right now.

2. After my trip to Houston in January, I wrote about anger. Anger that had affected me on the final day of my trip. It was only a few moments that put a damper on things for me and I failed to mention what a fantastic time my husband and I had there with my family. That really was not fair and it was quite unnerving for some of those who read this blog, knowing I had returned from seeing my family and written this. We spent so much time with my Mom who is happier now than she's been in a really long time. We also spent time with my grandparents who fill us with so much joy and gratitude for having them in our lives. It was really, really a great trip and I am sorry for having indicated otherwise.

3. The blog I wrote just yesterday talked about my nervousness in approaching my boss about a promotion. Surprisingly, he was very receptive and open to what I had to say and he agreed that we should allow Human Resources to look at my responsibilities and see where I stand position-wise and compensation-wise. Believe me, you will know it when/if this all comes through.

4. The update I am most saddened to write is about my friend Susan. She suffered a brain aneurysm three days after Christmas and has been at Zale Lipshy hospital in Dallas for a good while now. Susan has been through some improvements and then has suffered set backs. She is in a waking coma now where her eyes open and focus, but she responds very little. She has had a shunt put into her head to assist with the drainage of fluid off of her brain and it was placed incorrectly so they will have to go back in and re-align it once she is coherent and the seizures are under control. Reading the blog that Susan's husband writes about her daily progress is very helpful, but it is heart-wrenching, knowing this family is seeing their wife and mother, sister and daughter go through this. Please keep Susan and her family in your prayers.

Have you ever been really, really nervous about something you needed to do? Not something actually scary, but something that you needed to stand up for, maybe to a person of authority, something that you knew was the right thing, but that made you really nervous all the same?

I am about to step into my boss' office this morning and tell him why I believe I am being under-valued in my job and what I need from this organization in order to move forward from that feeling and go on with my good work here. It's not a fun task, but one I know is worth the knots in my stomach and the need to wear a turtleneck today (thank goodness it's cold outside!!) to hide whatever red splotches may appear while I am speaking with him.

I don't have trouble speaking my mind at any other time, with any other person, in any other situation than when it is this time, this person and this situation.

But I slept like a baby, woke up feeling refreshed and I even have one of my favorite songs in my head since waking up this morning. A favorite song that seems to be completely appropriate for what I am going through this morning-Michael Jackson's, "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough."

Love, Hate Relationship

I was so excited to get home last night and watch my recorded episode of "Grey's Anatomy." After being at a friend's house watching the Super Bowl on Sunday, I was too tired to watch the show live when I got home and I knew I had it on my Tivo To Do List to record. No worries.

So, I got home last night, put on my comfy pajamas, wrapped up on the couch and sat down to watch the show. It's supposed to be one of the best episodes ever and I can't wait!! I love this show. I realize when I get it on that the end of the Super Bowl has to be fast-forwarded through to get to the beginning of "Grey's" and I begin to worry. What if "Grey's" gets cut off because of the Super Bowl footage? Well, I get all into the show and forget about my worries, until the part where they are calling the bomb squad and have told everyone to evacuate the hospital...suddenly, at this tense, "edge of your seat" memoment the Tivo screen pops up asking "Do you want to delete?"

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say, I was completely pissed. With my yelling out, my husband became concerned, coming to the top of the stairs to check on me. "Are you alright?" he asked. "I heard you yell out." I told him my show stopped recording and he, in disgust at my childishness shook his head and walked away. No sympathy what-so-ever from my husband.

So, I picked up the phone and called a friend who would totally understand my hysteria and, just as I thought, she made me feel much better. It was then that I realized that this is the very reason I vowed not to get attached to any TV shows-if you miss an episode, you are devastated!!

So, my Love, Hate relationship with Tivo is just that...I love that I can catch my favorites at a moment's notice and watch them later with not even a hint of a commercial. But I hate how the technology is not perfect, can't read my mind and if you don't have it set-up just right, you might miss something.

I love "Grey's Anatomy," but I hate that I am so involved in the show that I literally yelled out in angst when the show cut off last night. That is just ridiculous.

James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

"I've been in television since I was 19-years-old and I have never been in this position. As you may have heard James Frey's best-selling book, A Million Little Pieces, came under fire on January 8 when the investigative web site, "The Smoking Gun," accused Frey of fabricating and wildly embellishing key parts of his work. (About her phone call to Larry King Live stating that she stands behind the basic principles of the book:) I regret that phone call. I made a mistake and I left the impression that the truth does not matter and I am deeply sorry about that, because that is not what I believe. I called in [to Larry King Live] because I love the message of this book and at the time and every day I was reading e-mail after e-mail from so many people who had been inspired by it and I have to say that I allowed that to cloud my judgement. So, to everyone who has challenged me on this issue of truth: you are absolutely right."-Oprah Winfrey

Don, a recovering addict in Oprah's audience, 9 months sober: "I could care less about the lies in the book. I stand by James one hundred percent. I know it's true because I went through it. I think it's unfortunate that [he] lied about specific parts, but the part about addiction, I assure you from people I have spoken to and millions of others Americans, [James] saved my life..."

I purchased James Frey's A Million Little Pieces memoir because Oprah and her staff talked so much and so highly about it. I picked it up and could not put it down. It's the first book in a really long time that had me at page 1. And though I believe in truth and honesty, I feel that nothing could change how powerful and exceptionally written this book is. Frey's experiences as an addict were not lies, neither was his pain and anguish during the six weeks he spent in rehab. These are the points that stuck out for me long before the controversy. I agree that putting something in the beginning of the book that says "Based on true events" might be helpful, but I still think this book is so important and so brutally intense that it can be very helpful and eye-opening to those experiencing the torment of addiction. This book helped me to understand the grips of addiction and the maniacal intensity of recovery. As someone who is not an addict, I really benefited from seeing things from the eyes of an addict/recovering addict, their family and friends, because I needed to see how my own friends and family have had to deal with this disease. I wholeheartedly recommend James Frey's book to everyone who has ever experienced, been curious about or seen addiction.

"I have never looked into the eyes of someone Jesus did not die for," Ed Young, Jr., senior pastor, Fellowship Church.

What a powerful statement. My life and times at Fellowship Church have been comprised of many powerful statements. Statements and convictions that really make me think, really make me take a look at my life and decide if I am living "it." The "it" I am speaking of is that light and life that comes from walking with Christ, having Him in your heart and truly believing in Him. If I were to see everyone I meet in the way described above, as someone Jesus died on the cross for, I would find that having ill feelings and negative thoughts toward another person may not be quite so easy.

On another note, I have found that I have fallen out of the habit of going to church. When I miss church, I feel somewhat empty and like something is missing. But it has become so easy not to go and I really hate that. So, I am writing about this on my blog to publicly re-commit myself to being a part of church again. I miss it so much, enjoy it so much and need it so much, there's no reason not to go.

Babies & Animals

I think it's so interesting how babies and animals bring people together.

I was on the elevator at my office building this morning when a young man got on carrying his infant son in the car seat contraption. The baby boy was all wrapped up for the cold weather and he was eyeing everyone around him as he sucked on his pacifier. Each of us on the elevator with the man and the baby boy, including myself, made some sort of comment about the baby. "He's so cute...," "He's all wrapped up and warm!," "Here for a doctor visit today, huh?" And I've seen this scene played out so many times before on that same elevator, as well as on the street, or in the mall.

I see the same thing happen when there are dogs, especially puppies, around. People will pass someone on the street with a dog on a leash and they can't help but pet them. I witnessed this just last week when I stopped at Starbuck's seeing a man with a large yellow Labrador where a young woman, dressed in heels and a suit for work was kneeling down in front of the dog rubbing her face in the dog's fur. It seemed an odd occurrence when I thought about it, especially since the girl at Starbuck's in the heels and the work suit kneeling down in front of the dog was ME, but at the time it seemed completely normal and even somewhat expected.

I love knowing that there are certain things-babies, dogs-that bring us all together like this and bring out the loving, warm nature in all of us.

I am really disappointed with the way a situation here at work is being handled and has been handled in the past. I am angry about the current situation and I feel like I have been treated unfairly. There's not much worse than being a hard worker who does quality work only to learn that you are being underappreciated and undercompensated. I know that this is true for me as I have done the research and have found it to be true. Next steps? Approach my boss. Won't that be fun?

Yesterday was a perfect day.

My husband and I slept late and woke up to the sound of the rain beating against our windows.

We slowly got out of bed, moved around and played with our doggies a bit.

Finally, we got dressed, had lunch, did a little shopping and went to the movies.

At the movies, we shared an Icee and a bag of popcorn.

After the movie, we got ice cream and rented two more movies to watch at home.

Once at home, we snuggled up on the couch and enjoyed a fire in the fireplace.

No worries, no stress, no interruptions.

Only the man I love and a rainy, lazy Sunday.

I am having visions of pink and blue...

I am so excited because a very good friend of mine has just annnounced to the world, or at least to those who read her wonderful blog, that she has been bitten by the Baby Bug!!

As I quickly replied to her, I was born with the baby bug. I have been playing "mom" to someone/something-dolls, stuffed animals, my dogs, neighbor kids, friends, other people's kids and my husband-for my whole life.

As my friend also mentioned, neither of us are trying to have a baby right now, but it's still so fun to think about it as a prospect down the line. The news "We're pregnant!," those nine months of a life growing inside of you and that glow mothers get, nursing and caring for your newborn, seeing your husband love something so much, teaching your toddler and watching them teach you, nurturing your child its whole life and loving them so completely and unconditionally that it hurts.

My husband was finally bitten by that Baby Bug in the last month or so, as well. I know he always wanted to have children, but lately he's been wanting to know timelines and plans and budgets like never before. He is ready.

And I put the brakes on...
Crazy, right? Well, not so crazy. I have a big year ahead of me and I feel like it's my opportunity to be completely selfish as I run and play with my pals and travel a bit. I want this to be the year I remember as one of my best before having children. Luckily, my husband is willing to wait. (Never thought I'd say THAT!)

So, maybe me and a friend or two will experience this fantastic part of life together. That thought truly fills me with much happiness and anticipation. I know we will all be great parents, different maybe, but all great.

Thanks for sharing your bug bites with us, Babsy. I especially appreciate it!!!

I start back to school tonight and I'm taking a class that is one of two "required" courses for this degree program (master of liberal arts). There's something about the word "required" that turns me off. I've never been naturally rebellious. By nature, I enjoy doing things by the book, following rules, doing what's "right" and, at times, I find it frustrating and irritating when others want to be rebellious against the rules. But in my mind, I do not see rules and doing what's "right" as authority. I see these as necessary guidelines, personal decisions to make if you will, that help things to be more efficient, run more smoothly and to keep us all safe and secure, but authority is something else altogether. I do rebel against authority-or someone/an institution telling me what to do. "Who are they to tell me that I am required to take this course?," I think to myself. I have already taken three courses in this program and done well in them and now they want me to take a writing class so they can be sure I am writing well enough to continue in their program. What kind of crap is that? It burns me up to have to take this course when I could be taking something like biomedical ethics or dream interpretations or an examination of the presidency. But I know this way of thinking is to no end...I have to do it.

So I will take the course and do my best to be positive and do a good job. Beginning at 6:30 tonight I will do what is "right" and respect my professor and the requirements that SMU has set forth for this program. Hopefully the reading will be interesting, the professor will be amusing and witty and I will be writing a blog tomorrow saying, "This class may not be so bad after all!" But right now I am rebeling against all of it in my mind and on this blog.

Yes, Mom, I actually do know how to rebel, even if it's simply through a heated blog entry. (Smiles)

My friend, Susan, falling ill with a brain aneurysm, the terrible motorcycle accident I saw on Friday night and my friends, Barbara and Shanna, running a marathon this weekend. All of these events have taught me the same thing: Life is precious, take care of yourself and those around you and live each day to the fullest.

Susan is doing much better-thank you to all of you who have sent me your promises of prayer and spoken your sorrow over her condition. I really appreciate it as does Susan and her family.

Though the motorcyclist who was struck by the suburban did not live Friday night, I prayed for him/her, those in the suburban and those who would have to hear the terrible news about a loved one lost. Hoping only that the persons involved in the accident would experience as little pain and anguish as possible as a result of the accident.

I don't have the update on the marathon that my friends ran down in Houston this past weekend, but I know the months leading up to the race were just as much of an accomplishment as the race itself
(See

Bab's blog

) and I couldn't be more proud of and happy for my two friends. They have shown me what it's like to really challenge yourself and take life by the horns. Congratulations, ladies!!

I just received shocking, sad news about a friend of mine. Her name is Susan and she was my boss for a year when I worked at Gilda's Club North Texas. Susan has suffered a brain aneurysm and is in critical condition at a hospital in Dallas. Please keep Susan and her family in your thoughts and prayers.

I Just Can't Help Myself...

Have you seen this body? Have you seen this music video for "These Boots are Made for Walkin" that actually won a People's Choice Award last night?(http://music.yahoo.com/ar-295687-videos--Jessica-Simpson Check it out!) Exactly how much work does it take to have a body like this? I know, I know...lots and lots of work many times a day with several professionals and a large amount of cash to pay for it all. I wouldn't mind working only half as hard for half of the results. I'm not saying I'm unhappy with my body as it is today, but I would not complain if I looked a little more cut and defined like this lovely lady in the photo up top. I haven't seen hotness like this, and really thought about it, since watching the models on the Sports Illustrated (SI) TV specials where they show the swimsuit issue being photographed in tropical locales with fabulously gorgeous young models like Angie Everheart, Kathy Ireland, Stephanie Seymour and Vendela.

As a teenager watching these shows, I wanted to be just like these women-sexy, exotic, adored by men, sexy (Hell, I STILL feel that way!!). All of these women have different looks and features, but each one is gorgeous.

What Jessica Simpson has is a little different. She's sexy, but she has that "girl next door" face, even with the dark eye make-up of the photo above. It's that sexy yet innocent and naive look that all of these SI models lack. It's very alluring, I think, and something she has that most others do not.

Some may think I'm a maniac for even bringing up something as superficial as physicial beauty, but there's no denying that people think about it. It's on TV, in magazines, all around us and we respond to it. All I'm saying is that the sex appeal and the hotness of these women is undeniable, we think about it and I've been thinking about it as it relates to the hotties of now.

As for Jessica Simpson, that body, especially in this movie and this video in that itty-bitty pink bikini, is greatly intriguing. She's sexy, she's hot and I am a bit envious...enough said.

YEA US!!!

I am very proud of my girlfriends. All of them are happy, healthy, intelligent, beautiful, caring and sassy-a killer recipe for young women.

It seems we have all adopted a healthier lifestyle and attitude since college, or maybe we're all growing up. I don't know. I do know that I admire my friends so much for so many things. Each one of them has so much to offer and each one offers something so very different and wonderful:

Humor. Courage. Strength. Sensitivity. Creativity. Spontaneity. Integrity.

Confidence. Generosity.

I love you guys to death!!!

Anger.

It can sting. It can cause confusion and a deaf ear. It leaves others in shambles with its power. The wrath, the annihilation, the devastation. It erupts. It abuses. It can cause sadness and disappointment.

I fell asleep very early last night and I woke-up this morning with the energy of a four-year-old! I can't wait to get on the road toward my family in Houston. So excited!!!!! Tomorrow morning Santa comes...

Back to Purple

When I was a little girl, everything had to be purple. My bedroom was decorated in various shades of purple-lavender, eggplant, royal purple-thanks to the sewing and design skills of my grandmother. In this room, which is the room I most remember and enjoy thinking about living in, I was creative, organized and energized. I was creative as I colored insatiably-and did a fine job I might add-and I wrote story after story after story, beginning my love of writing and reading. I was organized with my color-coded baskets that I used to separate every little thing in my room, from socks in my chest of drawers to crayons in the desk to toys in the closet. I so enjoyed organizing! I was energized by the purple room, filled with the feeling of being safe and secure in myself and my surroundings, therefore enjoying time alone keeping myself entertained. I would dress up in my single shoulder strap bathing suit with the purple, tropical flowers and set all my big and little stuffed animals all around me in my room to play like I was Jane of the jungle, protecting an innocent baby that had been left in the jungle all alone. In the purple room, I could be anyone, do anything and it lasted all day and into the night. I love the purple of my childhood.

As a teenager and college student I fell in love with blue and silver, the sky, the moon and the stars. My room had mystical and magical feel to express how I felt about the world around me, so much unknown. I was "too grown up" for purple and I neglected that creativity, organization and energy of my purple room for personal expression, experiences and excitment. My walls were covered in cool artwork, photos of friends and various posters, the ceiling with those stars and planets that illuminate when the room is dark and the only sound that came from my room was music, loud girlie music. I loved to dance and laugh with my girlfriends and dream and talk about boys. Boys, boys, boys... Though I reminisce at times about the blue and silver room and that time in my life, I don't miss it all that much.

The red came into my life just as I was graduating from college. Passion for life, fire for the future and deep love met with that blue and silver and the red overcame. For the first time ever, I began wearing red, wanting red in my home and celebrating the intensity of life. I loved with all my heart and soul for the first time, which was shown through my merlot red wall and decor throughout my bedroom. I began being upfront and honest with myself and the people around me and felt real. I also began writing again, something left behind in my teenage and college days, but my pages were so colored with the blue and silver that I couldn't ever finish anything. But the passion kept me positive, knowing I would fulfill that dream of completing a novel eventually. I got married and I renewed a red hot romance with my very best friend. I discovered new friendships and re-established those that were burning out through serious fun and quality time together. I was re-charged and raring to go. The red has stayed with me, though it has softened in a way, to a subtle pink, which goes really well with my re-discovered purple.

When my husband and I moved into our beautiful new home, I knew immediately what color I wanted in our bedroom...royal purple. He thought that was a bit strange at first, but with some gentle encouragment and a lot of green (his favorite color) to accent the purple, he went for it. Again, I enlisted my grandmother to make a wonderfully purple bedspread. Strangely, when I asked for the purple and picked out the fabric, my grandmother was in no way surprised at my choice after all these years. She simply got to work and had it ready for me in no time. My new purple room is so comfortable, as if I have come home. In addition to tapping back in to that creativity through my recent scrapbooking, etc. endeavor, I also began writing again. No one knows this until now, but I have finally completed a short story that I have been working on for a while. It is completely void of the blue and silver that so clouded my mind before and as soon as I'm ready, I'll allow others to read it. Coming back to purple meant, being able to fulfill my dreams, use my God-given and school-supported skills and do what is truly me-creativity, organization and energy. I feel as comfortable within myself and my surroundings now as I did in that one shoulder strap bathing suit as Jane of the jungle, organizing those color-coded baskets and writing away.

Psychologists agree that colors have distinct personalities of their own and some say color can tell us a lot about ourselves. I agree, and I have to say, I am so happy to be back to purple.

Christmas in January...yep, that's right, my husband and I will be celebrating Christmas with my Houston family-mom, Santa, grandparents, Dad, sister, niece and nephew-this weekend and I couldn't be more excited. Santa Claus made a special trip this year leaving mine and my husband's gifts at my Mom's so she could experience our gift-opening with us this coming weekend. Wasn't that nice of him?! He is such a flexible, accomodating guy.

And that brings me to my 2006 Resolutions, in no particular order...

1. Be more flexible and "go-with-the-flow."
I am a bit A.R. and like things a certain way. This year, I am going to bask in the spontaneous and imperfect, throw caution to the wind and enjoy the moment.

2. Continue to treat my body and soul as it was meant to be treated...very, very well.
Now that I have come so far in my journey toward physical and emotional wellness, I plan to keep up the momentum because it just feels too good to slow down.

3. In line with Resolution 2, I will (and have already begun) cook and prepare more meals at home.
Anyone who knows me, knows I don't cook. The occasional "Real Simple" meal is about all I've ever really done. So, in an effort to maintain my healthier eating habits and to save money, I want to crack open those cook books gathering dust on the book shelf and try out some recipes. This one will be the biggest challenge. Do you think I'm up for it?

4. Stay home more.
I am a busy body, an Aries, an Extrovert, a social butterfly who loves being around other people. Not that I have to stay away from others when I stay home or "stay in," I just need to, again, eat my meals in my home that I love and save money. Anyone and everyone is invited to join me at home, as a matter of fact your presence will be required for me to ever fulfill this particular resolution!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE!!

MERRY 2006!!