"Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." -Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

I have written about the Four Agreements many times and I even have them hanging in my office so that I can see them at any time so as not to lose sight of them. This (above) is agreement number three and, for me, it can be the most difficult one to live by.

Last night I had a reality check involving this very agreement when I was confronted with the insults of someone that is part of my family by marriage, but whom I do not consider family. I handled it well at the time, thinking that she was obviously affected by her overindulgence in scotch and that I really had nothing to say to her in response as her words were so off-base and ridiculous. But after the situation ended, I was torn up about it. I kept hearing her words over and over again in my head, thinking how incredibly rude she was and how completely out of line she was and I was even defending myself in my mind. Drunk, or not, it was uncalled for. So, I did what any grown, adult woman would do when faced with this type of turmoil...I called my Mommie. :0)

My Mom was very supportive. She got just as mad and upset as I was and made me feel better simply through her sympathy. She even wanted to take action in response. I was tempted to allow that to happen and then thought better of it. Though taking action would probably make me feel better at first, probably a lot better, it wouldn't change the fact that what this person said and how she feels toward me can only affect me if I allow it to. What reality looks like in her world is not at all what it's like in my world, but I can't change someone else's reality, especially when they've not been willing to try and get the story straight from the beginning. So, I told my Mom that I thought it best to let it go. Allow the other person to wake up this morning feeling whatever she was going to feel without either of us playing a part in it. A tough choice, but the right one.

Later, as I lay in bed last night trying desperately to go to sleep the words were again running through my mind and I was playing out a scene where I was able to respond honestly and heatedly toward my verbal attacker. After several minutes, I suddenly closed my eyes and prayed. I prayed and asked God to please help me be at peace with this situation. I prayed that I would sleep and wake renewed knowing this was not something I should take personally and I prayed that my mind would stop racing. Not five minutes later I was asleep, having not thought once more about it.

Moral of the Story: The agreements are valid and useful and necessary, but, at the end of the day when you're all alone in that place in your mind that no one else can see or hear, I must have the help of God to keep those essential agreements with myself and to find peace in something so unnerving.

I haven't had much time to sit and reflect this week as I've been busy with work. I notice that when I am busy with work, and the work is somewhat stressful, I don't sleep well, therefore I don't feel as well and I don't take as good care of myself as I should. It's the same cycle that I get into every few weeks, or so.Thankfully, I am able to realize the cycle before I become so over-stressed that I become ill. I got a great night's sleep last night, woke up feeling refreshed and got a lot accomplished at work this morning. At lunch, I went and ran a couple of errands and picked up a yummy sushi lunch, which I am now enjoying as I blog. The fresh sushi lunch is a simple reminder of the week ahead. My week in tranquility, lying by the pool or on the beach, listening to the ocean lull me into relaxation. A week of rest and celebration and no worries. A week in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.

I have said many times this week that the anticipation of the trip is almost as much fun as the actual trip. I love thinking about the plans, doing "travel laundry," deciding on the wardrobe options, packing my things, making sure everything is in its place. I enjoy buying a new, steamy beach read, airplance snacks, sun screen and travel size toiletries. I have always enjoyed traveling, getting away and seeing something new and different. It renews your sense of self, centers you and reminds you of your sense of home. So, as I look forward to five days in paradise with some of my closest friends, I think of how wonderful my time there will be and I think of how much better I will feel when I return home, as well.

Interesting thoughts for the day...

A clear conscience is often a sign of a bad memory.

Winners do what losers don't want to do.

When you get to thinking you are really important, try giving orders to your/your friend's cat.

If you speak when you are angry, you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

Love your enemies-it makes them furious.

The one who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely the one who dropped it.

Never cut what can be untied.

Never miss an opportunity to tell someone you love them.

Old Friend

Last week I received a phone call from a blast from my past. A girl that I was connected at the hip with all through high school. She was my very best friend for so long. We shared everything. Once in college, we remained friends, but she stayed in Houston while I went away to school in Dallas. She visited me there and I spent as much time as possible with her when I was home in Houston for summers and other vacations. But before long, we drifted apart. I don't remember now why or how, especially the "how" since we were so, very close, but it happened.

Not long after both me and my friend got married (she was married on Oct 18 and I on Oct 25 of 2003), my friend and I began e-mailing. About a year later, I saw my friend for the first time in years. She was about five months pregnant, I believe, and I was overjoyed to be with her again. We laughed and caught up. We reminisced and laughed more. It was a wonderful time. Then we went back to our own lives, we e-mailed occasionally and she sent me pictures of her too cute baby boy. But we didn't reconnect on a regular basis, or even just by phone.

Last week she called me with that old familiar giggle in her voice. She left me a voice message saying she'd heard one of our favorite bands, Aerosmith, on the radio and that it made her think of me. She had to call and tell me how much she misses our carefree times from high school. Times when our hair, make-up and clothing was more important than much else. Times when we didn't have bills to pay. We didn't worry about buying a home, paying taxes or high interest rates. The boys we liked came and went, but our friendships remained always. And as I heard that giggle in my old friend's voice, I could see us there, in that time and place, once again. The car windows down, the radio turned up, arms waving in the air, singing at the top of our lungs...not a care in the world. I was happy and sad at this vision all at once. I miss my friend. I miss those times with her. But I think we can try and have that feeling again together but in a new way and for new reasons.

Safe

A great weekend of relaxation, friends, fun, reading and movies. A weekend of separation from hubby as he was out of town working...good to miss each other and even better to have him back at home with me. It's amazing to me how different it feels just having him at home. When I'm alone, I am super sensitive to sounds and movements around the house. Not so much afraid, as aware and conscious of and sensitive to my surroundings. When my husband is at home, I hardly bother to check to see if the doors are locked at night! I just feel safer when he is with me. There's no amount of money in the world that can buy that feeling; it's the best and it's not easy to come by these days. Thank you, hubby, for making me feel safer. You are my rock and my hero and my security blanket.

Cutting the Ties that Bind

Thank you to all who have helped to untangle me in my life. Please consider this a simple little nudge of gratitude for all that you have done and do every day for me.

"If you read the front page story of the San Francisco Chronicle, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, as well as a line tugging in her mouth. A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farralone Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and he quickly radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her...a very dangerous proposition. One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer.They worked for hours with careful curved knives, concetrating on her safety and her freedom and eventually they freed her. When she was freed, the divers say the whale swam around in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushing gently around, she thanked them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives. The rescuer who cut the rope out of the whale's mouth said her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same."

May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you. And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.

I'm so...

I'm so fed up with co-workers with bad attitudes who claim to be "team players," but who don't want to actually work.

I'm so irritated by people who think they can get something for nothing, especially when it comes to a charity event when the goal of the event is to raise money!

I'm so frightened by rude drivers who actually shoot you the finger and have you scared that you may be a victim of Road Rage, making you want to stay safe in your own little home with the doors locked.

I'm so sick of high-priced gas and low-priced cigarettes.

I'm so numbed by the deaths of our military men and women in Iraq and the sadness felt by their family and my thoughts that I really don't know why they are there and why they must die.

I'm so sure...sweating in May?!

I'm so frustrated by not having time for myself, not making time for myself and making excuses.

I'm so over Monday's.

I spent the last four days with my husband's raucous family. Three of them were visiting from New York and the rest visited us Saturday and Sunday from a suburb of the Metroplex where they all live. We ate, drank, laughed, hollared and laughed some more, and I returned to work today happy, tired and with a sore throat from competing with these booming voices and personalities. It was a great time.

On Mother's Day, I had several mothers in my home. It was a special time for me and my husband to shower family and close friends with love and care and lots of yummy food. Hubby made a mean spread of viddles that everyone truly enjoyed. But even with all of the excitement and fun and people around me, something was missing.

My Mother was in Houston for Mother's Day...staying home and enjoying her time alone as the rain poured down outside her window. My Mother was missing from the crazy scene at my house on Sunday. I felt sad not to have her with me, but today, after reading the words on her blog (www.miaspeaks.blogspot.com), I feel so much better. I learned that Mother's Day is just as much about the women who touched her life as they are about my being her daughter.

Thank you, Mom, for your fantastic words about the exceptional women in your life who have touched me in so many ways, as well.

Baba, Granny Doris, Grandma Helen and Zelma...what a remarkable group of unique, charismatic characters. I also thankful for all of you for what you have been and still are to my Mother. You all make Mother's Day extra, extra special for both of us.

I Have An Obsession

That obsession is with photos and mementos of my life. I have a whole walk-in closet in my home dedicated to these items that detail my life and pieces of the lives of others. I have stacks of photos and mementos waiting to be placed in the appropriate photo album based on the year of the memory. I stress out when I come across a photo from a year passed and I can't decipher when it was taken. I have three on-line photo company accounts of my own photos and those from friends' collections that I can order at any time for my albums or to make a photo into a card, or a coffee mug or make multiple photos into a calendar. I love everything that has to do with photos including cameras, frames, mattes and albums. I am a photo geek.

But I really think this obsession is more about reminiscing than it is about the photo taking, developing and keepsaking process. I love to look back and remember how things were, how people looked and what all happened. I think this is because I have had an extraordinarily happy life. My life hasn't been necessarily extraordinary by the definition of the word, but it has been an extremely happy life 99% of the time.

These photos and mementos remind me of who I am, who I was and maybe even who I don't want to be. They remind me of good times, bad times and strange times. I have photos dating back to my great, great, great, great ancestors and I have photos from last week. My photos and mementos make me feel real and human and mortal. They tell me that one day my own great, great, great, great grandchildren will look back at my photos (the thousands that there are) and remember me and know that somehow, in some way, I am a part of them. They will know that everything is related and linked.

My obsession is as much about the past and present as it is about the future. A moment, captured, that speaks a million words to a future generation. May we all have such an obsession.

I'm a big Copy Cat! I love quizes and I saw this on my good friend's blog and had to copy her!! Have fun!!

Take My Quiz - on - QuizYourFriends.com!

So much to post today...

Over the weekend I attended a women's church retreat with three of my friends. It was a great time of sharing and listening. I felt surrounded by love and prayer and it was an amazing feeling. One of the many things I took away from the retreat was this scripture, my new favorite scripture:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

This scripture made me cry when I first read it and these words were the theme, if you will, of the whole retreat. When I heard the speakers say these words, tears would come to my eyes again and again. This is probably one of the most loving passages in the Bible, but it is also one of the toughest to truly, completely believe in at times of trouble. I will hold this close to my heart, post it where I can see it always, and believe in the words, no matter what.

There were many things said and sung at the retreat that hit home with me, but one particular testimonial grabbed my heart and soul and made me sit up and listen.

This testimonial was about perfection-the need to feel that everything is perfect, for yourself and everything around you, to try and fill a void within. You look just right, you do everything just so, you marry the right man and have the right friends and the right job, but you still can't fill the void. Then, one day, you find yourself so overwhelmed by your perfectionism that you look for something to numb that craving for perfection. Maybe that something is alcohol or pills, maybe it's food or trying to remain so busy that you don't think, but it's something to keep you from dealing with your real thoughts and feelings and something to fill the void that only God can fill. When this woman, this brave, strong woman, got up and told her story, I saw myself in her and then I lost it! I knew that this was God speaking to me, showing me that I can make changes now so as not to get overwhelmed by having to have everything perfect, because there is no such thing as perfection and that's so alright.

I am perfect in God's eyes and as soon as I can remember that in the whirlwind that is my life, I will be able to move through the crazy times.

What a wonderful time on Friday and Saturday. I am so thankful to my friends who joined me at this retreat. I think each of them felt touched by something over those two days, and I probably would not have gone to the retreat without them. I am also very thankful for Fellowship Church. How different my life would be without the words, the messages and the people there.

P1641:4, 146:3.2
The apostles were a bit disconcerted by the open manner of Jesus' assent to many of the Greek's propositions, but Jesus afterward privately said to them: "My children, marvel not that I was tolerant of the Greek's philosophy. True and genuine inward certainty does not in the least fear outward analysis, nor does truth resent honest criticism. You should never forget that intolerance is the mask covering up the entertainment of secret doubts as to the trueness of one's belief. No man is at any time disturbed by his neighbor's attitude when he has perfect confidence in the truth of that which he wholeheartedly believes. Courage is the confidence of thoroughgoing honesty about those things which one professes to believe. Sincere men are unafraid of the critical examination of their true convictions and noble ideals."

I had a conversation with a close friend the other day about another friend who has spoken against my church of choice and, specifically, the senior pastor of my church. In reading this passage my close friend sent to me after our discussion, the passage really helped me understand that his criticism is really not my concern. It is his prerogative to have his own opinion, but it shows that he is somewhat insecure in his own beliefs that he must doubt and speak against my beliefs, my church and my pastor. I've noticed more and more that when I have questions, and things are tough for me, there is usually always a scripture that can help me through it. This is just one more perfect example. There is no need for me to be afraid, or defensive, of the critical examination of my convictions and noble ideals, for I am sincere in my faith and my beliefs.

We Found It In the City

Something happens to you when you move to the suburbs.

I'm not sure how or why, but you begin to feel more secure in some ways. You are no longer a little bit scared to go to the grocery store at night by yourself. You no longer look both ways to cross the street and you don't hear traffic and screeching tires outside your window while you sleep. But all of this is just space and time between the bright lights of the city.

A more key element of living in the suburbs is that one definitely becomes more maternal. Following the big move, if it hasn't already, the little family begins to emerge. The Tyco plastic swing is hung on the brand new tree in the front yard; you start to see having a pool and a white picket fence as truly possible and "fun for the kids;" and you join play groups with other full-time mom's.

Why does this happen? Well, I think part of it is human nature to try and fit in where we are. When you're in the city, people wait to have children or they have cool kids with unestablished nap times and active parents who go out on real dates every weekend.-people who have babysitters instead of nannies. Life is just different, especially family life.

Now, just for the record, I'm not knocking either way of life...just examining them. I find the subtle differences interesting.

We were thinking about moving to the 'burbs a couple of years ago, mostly because we owned a new home and loved the idea of moving into a bigger, better new home in an area with good schools for a price that the city just couldn't compete with. What changed our minds?

We love the sound of birds chirping and the shade of the old, mature trees in our older neighborhood. We love the diversity of young, old and everything in between in our neighborhood. We love the short drive to see friends, eat really delicious food, watch pro hockey games and pick-up refreshments at a liquor store (most 'burbs are dry areas in Texas). But most of all, I think we both grew up in the city-me Houston, him New York-and it's really hard to leave it.

We are lucky. We don't have to drive 45 minutes to feel that maternal feeling, (we have several of those Tyco plastic swings hanging on trees in our neighborhood!), or live in a neighborhood with good schools and have the American dream. We found it in the city.

Something I wanted to blog about today is the fact that I am finished with my class for this semester-the required writing course. This is the class that I complained about before starting it back in December and then complained about all through the semester. Well, as I sat filling out my course evaluation last night I realized that I was giving the class and the professor really high marks, and I sat back and asked myself, "How can I be giving high marks for this class when I've been complaining the ENTIRE time!?"

I know why...because the class and the professor have really challenged me. The class and the assignments have made me think and made me work hard and then it still wasn't perfect work, and all of that has shown me where I have room for improvement. It's not always fun to see that you have room for improvement, but it is necessary. So, although I am truly glad the class is over, I have learned the lesson: Sometimes when you don't like something, or someone, it can be just as much about yourself as it is about what you don't like.

Have a great weekend!!!

Spoke with hubby last night about blogging and how it has become a bit of an obligation for me. I also feel like it's somewhat narcissistic-always going on-line to write about yourself and what you do expecting others to be so interested in what you have to say. But hubby made a good point: it's a good way for other people who are far away to keep in touch and find out how you're doing. He says people really read my blog.

I can accept that. Before the blog I would send out life updates via e-mail to family and friends who live far away. This isn't that different except that I sometimes tackle things that annoy or interest me, share a quote that I like or that has struck me and those things also say a lot about what's going on with me and how I'm doing.

Maybe I'm just going through a slump in my blogging mind. I began a new personal journal last night as part of my birthday gift to myself and I really want to delve into things personally that I would never post on a blog. So, maybe it's also that I feel a bit violated now after Scary Blog Crasher posted a comment a week or so ago. I mean, I'm not stupid, I know many people that don't know me can access this site easily, but I never thought I would have to face those people. It has wigged me out.

I'll get over it, though. Most things don't stick with me for long. I don't carry a grudge or an ill will. I will eventually get over the Scary Blog Crasher and I will get over this sense of narcissism and obligation; it just may take a little while. Until then, you may just have to put up with my stream of consciousness posts, such as this!

It's funny how you can merely leave your own city and realize how beautiful a place only 200 miles away is. Hubby and I visited Austin this past Saturday and I was amazed at the lakes and hills and trees and overall beauty of the area we were in for a very short time. We will visit again soon.

Yesterday was a special day for me as 27 years ago I was brought into this world. Hubby and I celebrated with a fabulous, decadent dinner prepared by my most talented chef of a husband. I can't even begin to explain the melding of wonderful flavors. It was more than I could ever have asked for. I am so, so, so lucky to be married to a man with such talent that he is willing to share with me. YUM!!

Dinner is served (above). The photo's a bit blurry, but you can see the fried goat cheese and wasabi wontons aside the exquisite almond encrusted halibut, which is atop soba noodles with mushrooms and cucumber slices flavored with soy, ginger, cilantro and many other wonderful tastes. I'm sure my husband will freak at my forgetting some of the ingredients, but, man, I was too excited and ready to eat as we talked about it. It was fantastic!!!

All-in-all my 27th year started off quite well. I have a feeling this will be an age of exciting new beginnings and the betterment of some things old. Thanks to all of you who have made sure my birthday month was extra, extra special-especially my generous, loving husband. :0)

Strangers have been viewing my blog and have posted comments, and that makes me quite uncomfortable. So, I am now having to change some things to make this blog so that I am unidentifiable. Why do weirdos have to be weirdos??!!

My how the day can get away from me...
I was at work this afternoon, looked up and saw that it was already 4:30 in the afternoon and I didn't have half of what I needed done completed. Funny how that happens. Is it that I'm procrastinating because I have so much to do, or is it truly that I'm getting a lot accomplished, therefore the time is flying by?

On another note, I turn 27 in a few short days and I'm feeling a little different about that than I usually feel about my birthdays. My Mother was 27 when she had me; I always thought I would have a child by the time I was 27. But then you get here and realize that "what I always thought" is not quite reality. Maybe that's the part that bothers me...what is my reality? What is 27 supposed to feel like and look like? Is it still mid-twenties or is it almost 30; does it even matter? How much has changed from my 26th birthday?

My own food for thought and boy am I ever full up today. I'll leave it for another day.

Fabulous April Beginnings

WOW! I haven't posted in a week! I've missed it in some ways and not missed it in others. I have so much to say so here goes:

I left last Sunday for Atlanta for a work conference where I felt very valued and understood as a professional in my field. I met a ton of great people from all over the world (yes, the world, it was an international conference) and learned quite a bit through the seminars, the speakers and the vendors at the exhibits. I'm looking forward to the Association of Fundraising Professionals (AFP) international conference next year as it will be held in the Big D!!

Arrived back home last Wednesday in need of some rest. Learning and having a good time meeting lots of people wears you out! I used last Thursday and Friday to relax and pamper myself-I'm really good at that!!

On Friday, my Mom and her best friend arrived in Dallas to begin the festivities surrounding my birthday tea party (hats required). Friday night I hosted a number of my family from out of town and felt completely overwhelmed by their frantic ranting about dinner taking longer to cook than they wanted. Why is family so impatient? As soon as dinner was served, though, the natives rested and I felt much better. I enjoyed a nice conversation with my Auntie C, whom I don't see much, but enjoy lots, and it was a good night.

On Saturday morning, I relaxed with my husband and sister in law, who flew in all the way from New York. Then it was time for the big event...the Tea Party. I have not had that much fun or been that happy in a really long time. Not only did I feel exceptionally spoiled and loved by those who were in attendance, but I was also thrilled that everyone there got in the spirit of things by arriving with hats on!! Everyone looked so beautiful and so festive. I really think hats cause a certain mood that is different and fun and unique. It was a blast! We drank kir royales, wild blackberry tea and Earl Grey tea, ate finger sandwiches, scones and decadent desserts, and talked and talked like a bunch of hens. A perfect day for a true girl's girl like me!!!

On Sunday, my husband and I took my sister in law out to a friend's house. We ate dinner and chatted with them, two more New Yorkers who have three beautiful children. As we visited in these nice people's home, hubby and I found ourselves falling in love...with their 3-year-old daughter, Sophia. What a little gem she is! My husband and I spent time with Sophia in her room, the three of us just playing and playing. We laughed so hard at her cute little quips and quirks-she has a wonderful habit of doing something, anything and then putting her arms in the air and saying, "Ta-Da!" Too cute. On the way home last night, hubby and I commented on how cute those kiddos were and I thought to myself, "I can't wait to say these things about our own little ones."

All-in-all the week and weekends around it were fantastic. I am very lucky to be doing work that I so enjoy and feel good learing more and more about. I am also very, very, very blessed to have the family and friendships that I do. Life just wouldn't be even close to the same without them. And that week off from work was just what I needed.

Wishing you time to re-focus, re-connect and realize how lucky you are!!

"Unsent"

Alanis Morissette

1998

*I think we may have dated some of the same guys.

Different names, same old story.*

"Dear Matthew, I like you a lot. I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now and I respect that. I'd like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you want to come visit me in California, I could be open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song.

Dear Jonathan, I liked you too much. I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me, and think solely about themselves. You were plenty self-destrutive for my taste at the time. I used to say, the more tragic, the better. The truth is whenever I think of the early '90s, your face comes up with vegeance like it was yesterday.

Dear Terrence, I love you muchly. You've been nothing but open-hearted and emotionally available and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me. I kept drawing you in, and pushing you away. I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time. You were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself. What was wrong with me???

Dear Marcus, you rock my world. You had a charismatic way about ya with the women and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality. And you wouldn't let me get away with kickin' my own ass. But I could never feel relaxed or let the aura around you go, and that stopped us from going any further than we did. And it's kind of too bad 'cause we could have had much more fun.

Dear Lou, we learned so much. I realize we won't be able to talk for some time and I undestand that as I do you the long distance thing was hardest and we did as well as we could. We were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives. I will always have your back and be curious about you-about your career, your whereabouts."

If you had unsent letters to all of the past loves/likes/would rather forgets in your life what would they say?

I had the opportunity to speak with someone about a position at another organization yesterday much like the one I have now at Presby. It was so nice to hear myself boast a bit about the work I do each day for this organization. After almost four years, it's easy to forget that you are good at what you do and that you are worthy of praise and appreciation. The person I spoke with said they were very impressed and that filled me with great pride as this person is verl well-respected in this industry. I also shared a portfolio of my work from the last four years, and I was so excited to show it off. It was a great experience and it has given me a new, better perspective today.

After this evening (15 page draft is due in my class), I will be relaxed and ready for a fun Friday night celebrating a close friend's birthday, Saturday at home with hubby and then it's off to Atlanta on Sunday for a work conference where I am sure to be revitalized in what I do and why I do it. When I return from Atlanta next Wednesday, I will take the next two days off from work to spend time on myself-pampering, fun with friends-and then the arrival of my Mom and the H-town posse for the ever-so-chic birthday tea she is throwing for me next Saturday. I am thrilled and can't wait. It's going to be a fun-filled, exciting ten days ahead!! YEA ME!!!

"When you make mistakes, don't let them get you down, and don't let yourself think of them as stigmas. Make each failure a step to success."

Wow, it sure would be nice if we could all look at our mistakes in life in this positive way. This worthy quote has been added to my quote board here in my office. Only the most worthy and appropriate quotes and inspirations for my life make "the board."

I just heard a story about a dog, a big dog whose breed is known for being aggressive and mean at times (Pitt BullMastiff), attacking a small-size cocker spaniel who had approached it with great speed and intent and had even, by the large dog's owner's account, bitten the large dog. If you were the big dog with the bad reputation and the stereotypes attached to you, how would you have reacted to the smaller dog, seemingly cuddly and sweet, running at you with his jaws ready for a bite?

Well, I'll tell you what this large dog did, he broke lose of his owner's hold on the leash and attacked the little cocker. And as the cocker's owner caught up with her dog and saw the fight, she immediately reached in between the two dogs and grabbed her cocker, but not before the large dog's teeth bared down into her hand, puncturing the skin. The cocker's owner is fine, but the cocker has now had several surgeries and is still in serious condition. The large dog is now in lock down by the city and the large dog's owner is being pursued for legal action by the cocker's owner.

Now, let me tell you another dog story.

On one brisk Thursday afternoon, a happy owner is walking (or being walked by) her two Rottweiler mix dogs-one is 100 lbs. on a light day, the other is 65 lbs. strong.

They're all walking along and out runs a frisky Scottie dog from across the street, not on a leash. The two Rott dogs stop and sit tight, ready for the approach. The Scottie dog seems nice enough at first, sniffing and wagging, but he soon turns mean, biting at the face of the 100 lb. Rott. The smaller Rott sees the attack and nudges the Scottie politely away from his big brother. All the while, both of the Rotts remain on their leashes in the hands of their owner. The Scottie's owner soon comes running out after her dog, reaches down in between the animals, apologizing profusely, and runs away with him, unscathed, in her arms. The two Rott mixes and their owner continue on their walk and return home as happily as when they set out.

I tell these true dog stories for various reasons. They could mean something different for anyone who reads them. They're dog stories, but not just dog stories. Who would you be if these stories were told about you? Are you: the owner of the big, bad dog? the owner of the two Rott mixes? the owner of the Scottie or the Cocker? Even more, are you possibly the dog in one of these scenarios? Food for thought: Our dogs and their behavior say a lot about who we are. And if you don't have a dog, well, you still fit into one of these categories.

In my Writing class last night, we talked about Tillie Olsen's story, "I Stand Here Ironing," which is a story about a single mother raising a daughter during a tumultuous time in her life and in the U.S. The mother speaks of her beautiful baby girl just home from the hospital and how she blew bubbles with her mouth and was so cheerful, and then she talks about how at some point that cheerfulness and beauty seemed to fade. The single mother also thinks about all of the trials and tribulations she has been through and she expresses her overwhelming guilt for how it has affected her daughter emotionally and, eventually, how it has affected the mother-daughter relationship. The mother in the story speaks of how hard she has had to work, both outside and inside the home. The story is filled with depression, guilt and dark moments for the mother and the daughter.

I think this story is well-written, but I don't like it, per se. My professor asked me why I don't like it and I responded by saying: "I am the child of a single mother, whom I have always seen as a Super Mom. She never once complained about what she had and what she didn't have, how hard she had to work and, at times, the lack of time she had for herself or to spend with me. Therefore, I don't relate at all to the mother or the daughter in this story. You do the very best that you can, you let your daughter know she is loved and there's no need for guilt. Guilt is the primary issue in this story and it's very damaging to this mother-daughter relationship." My professor listened and then simply shook her head with a knowing grin. She asked another woman, in her 50s what she thought of the story. That woman replied that she, herself, is a single mother of a grown daughter, probably my age, and that she completely identified with the mother in the story. She said it is difficult and you do feel guilty and sorry for yourself at times. She went on to say that she doesn't agree with some of the decisions that the mother in the story made, but, she stated, all-in-all she thinks it's a real depiction of the single mother-daughter scenario.

I wonder...

Did my single Mother feel the way this mother did, but somehow was able to hide that from me? Was she secretly riddled with guilt and self-pity? Does she have regrets? Did she ever become disenchanted with me because I was a reminder of a hard time in her life? Did she resent me because I was hard to handle as a teen when I should have been more appreciative?

I don't think so.

I think all people are different; all mothers are different; all single mothers are different. I know life wasn't always a bowl of cherries for my Mom, but she knows she always did right by me as I was growing up. She loved me, kept me safe, provided for me, spoiled me just enough and showed me the strength, the wisdom and the courage that all women have inside of them, if they just look for it. She taught me the importance of grace, gratitude, self-confidence, friendship and true love and never lost herself in the process. She has been down and out and on top of the world, but not once did she ever make me feel bad for who I am or what she has done for me.

No, my Mother is a Super Mom.

"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights."

-Maya Angelou

A rainy day-not a problem for me. Tangled Christmas tree lights-I got that kind of patience. Lost luggage-a nightmare.

Maya Angelou speaks so honestly and so genuinely about life and people. When I come across her words as I did in an e-mail from a friend this morning, I am filled with that feeling of, "Yeah, that's right. You said it, Ms. Angelou!" But I am also filled with that introspective feeling, like when I read about the lost luggage. That would truly send me into a tailspin. It's something I can not control and that really isn't the end of the world, yet I think to myself, "Thank goodness that's never happened to me." I wonder what Ms. Angelou would say this means about my personality and who I am as a person?

My celebrations after a long week (beginning last Monday and ending this Wednesday) of negative moments:

1. I have been successful in not making one plan this week after work!! So relaxing just being at home.

2. I achieved the goal of not spending one red cent on anything this week, except for a few minutes ago when I purchased a candy bar.

3. I purchased a yummy candy bar that I was really craving and ate half, putting the other half in my bag for hubby. (Yes, I celebrate self control.)

4. I spoke with my father yesterday and things are better. I cleared up some things that were bothering me and we have a new understanding with one another.

5. I am on SPRING BREAK!! No school tonight and I am taking the day off from work tomorrow. WOO-HOO!! Happy times are here again.

Tomorrow I plan to do anything and everything that I want and nothing more. I have a massage appointment and a pedicure appointment so my relaxation and pampering will be such a nice way to start the weekend. Thanks for all of the support and love thrown my way in response to my last few blog entries. I promise I am getting back to my simple, cheery, graceful self. Have a great end of the work week and a fabulous weekend!!!

"In life, as in the dance, grace glides on blistered feet,"-Alice Abrams

After experiencing my emotional rollercoaster along with me, my Mother felt that this quote from Alice Abrams was well-suited for me right now in my life. I agree.

It is often difficult to live, or dance, in grace when life hits you with unfairness and hard knocks. The past seven days have been quite a ride and not one I want to take again. I'm hoping the dance of the following seven days and beyond is a peaceful ballroom twirl on gingerly bandaged feet, instead of a spastic whirlwind on completely blistered feet.

This dance wouldn't be so bad either...

...my ode to the "Dancing with the Stars" groupies in my life, one of which I am not.

Not to worry. I am getting back to my old self one minute, one day, one dance at a time.

I'm trying to let it go, but I really can't. I'm trying to put it into perspective, but it's just not happening.

My boss completely shut me down on the raise and promotion. HR brought my position to another level and they changed my title, but my boss says since my current compensation is within the new, higher range HR sent to him (all salary ranges overlap), he doesn't have to give me a raise. The whole reason for going to my boss about this was based on the added responsibilities I now have and my research that stated, very clearly, that I am not being fairly compensated for what I do...and HR backed that up, bringing me up a whole other level. But now my boss has decided I am not worthy of a raise. I now see how little he thinks of what I do here and the funny part is, he knows less about what I do, even after all of this back and forth with HR, than anyone else in the office.

I am so disappointed and angry. How I am I supposed to look him in the eye and act like everything is alright. He didn't even have the guts to tell me this information in person-he sent it to me in an e-mail. And he is only three doors down the hallway from me!! How can I respect him and try and be civil with him?

Weekly Horoscope for March 13-18: Aries, If you take every little detail into consideration, your head will explode, and no one wants that. On Monday and Tuesday, take things slowly, but don't take them so slowly that you obsess over matters that may turn out to be inconsequential. Your intentions are good, and you genuinely care about the other people involved, as you will demonstrate midweek. On Friday, charm someone out of a bad mood with a razzle-dazzle tap dance. But keep the tap dancing to a minimum this weekend -- your feet need a break, and your comfortable bed is just waiting for you.

Boy do my feet ever need a break...as does my head and my hands and my tummy. I continued my reckless eating and drinking well into the weekend and I am officially on detox. Nothing goes in this mouth that isn't at least somewhat good for me. I am on Spring Break from school this week so I'm hoping the weather holds up for me to get my serotonin rolling around out in the sunlight. I'm going to spend as much time as possible this week outdoors with a good book or magazine, a big glass of ice water or ice tea, my dogs and as little as possible on my mind. No plans to be made, no worries to invade, only relaxation and rejuvenation on my calendar this week and weekend.

I had a really gray day yesterday.

Earlier in the week I heard that I had missed the funeral of a husband and wife I had worked with on one of my work publications. The gentleman was very wise and was so nice to me when we sat down to talk. I was sad to miss their funeral and sad about their deaths.

I found out one of my favorite uncle's has severe lung cancer and may not have long to live.

I read the web site of new parents, friends of a close friend, whose baby, not even a year old, has had serious brain surgery. These same new parents are selling their home in preparation for living at the hospital with their child for the next 6-8 months.

I am in turmoil over the relationship, or lack thereof, with my father.

All of this weighs on my heart and my mind.

In response to this sadness and turmoil, this week I tended to eat and drink too much, go too fast, spend over my limit, etc. I made myself feel even more out of control with these behaviors than the internal emotions were making me feel over these things going in my life. Why do we do this to ourselves?

Today is better. I took back an indulgent purchase that I did not want and could not afford. I spent easy-going time with a friend at lunch outdoors, just relaxing and talking about things that don't bring stress or tension. I am in the process of resolving several work-related issues. I am tackling some things at home with my husband that are making my life so much better and freer. I am looking forward to a dinner with my best friend and time with other friends later in the evening, as well as a weekend filled with two of the things that I enjoy most-my husband and my friends.

Every day I am reminded that life is short, every minute matters so we best make it meaningful. Love those that matter to you with all you've got at all times. Don't take the unfairness of life out on yourself or those around you. Anybody have any ideas of how to remember this when faced with the kind of news I have been faced with this week?

So much to say...

I planned a re-cap of the Oscars for Monday and the time got away from me. I had planned a re-cap of the fabulous Van Morrison concert for Tuesday, but I was out most of the day for meetings. So, here I am with so much to say!!

The Oscars
I must admit, I was sincerely surprised at Jon Stewart as the host and I was even more surprised when my husband and I belted out a few laughs at his performance. He did a great job. I have never really thought of Jon Stewart as funny or as the host of the Oscars, that post is always held in my heart for my pal, Billy Crystal, but he did a good job. I enjoyed watching him. I also think the producers of the show did a great job of having interesting presenters for some really boring categories-for example, Reese Witherspoon presented the animated short film, I believe. I think they could have cut back on a few of the movie montage clips, and I was a bit surprised at the choice for best movie-"Crash." I saw this movie and really enjoyed it. It brought forth a very emotional response from me and my husband when we watched it, but we also saw "Munich," which we loved, and heard great things about the other nominees. I'm curious to know how the Academy decides what is best. I'm not upset that "Crash" won, just a little surprised. I have an Oscar confession to make: one of my most enjoyable moments of the night was seeing a Hollywood beauty lose her footing on-stage. Jennifer Garner, as cute as a button as she is, made my night when she almost fell. I'm glad she didn't fall (I'm not that mean!!), but her slip up did make for a nice chuckle. All-in-all a great Oscar experience.

Van Morrison
Wow, what a performance. Van Morrison has been one of my favorite musical artists of all time for as long as I can remember. It all began back in the '80s when I first saw "Dream a Little Dream" with Corey Feldman and that breasty teen star whose character, Laney, was all the rave with young guys everywhere and who all young girls wanted to be. In this movie, the song "Into the Mystic" by Van Morrison captures your soul and makes you sway and hum. I fell in love with "Into the Mystic" long before "Brown-Eyed Girl"...hence I am a true Van Morrison lover. I purchased a Best of... album a few years ago and I have just about worn it out. I enjoy every single song, which is unusual when there were so many songs on the CD that I had never heard. I love all of the instruments, so emotional and so heart-thumping. The concert was just as emotional, but I would have preferred to feel as one with Van and his big band in a small, intimate smokey lounge somewhere instead of in this huge theater with thousands of people. He sounds just like his records and the music is fantastic, but I wanted to be up close with him. Van was a bit disappointing in that he didn't play my favorite song, "Into the Mystic," but every song I heard was just as great as all of those songs I love on his Best of... album. I am so happy to have had this experience with a good friend who enjoys Van as much as I do. Thank you.

Today
Today is Wednesday and it's my favorite week day as it's all down hill from here. Monday is slow and tired. Tuesday is just beginning to get things going, and Wednesday is about catching up and being at top speed. I like Wednesday. I am a Wednesday kind of girl. I like Wednesday's more now than before because I dread my Thursday night class. My professor, as great as she is, loves to hear herself talk. She talks and talks and repeats herself and says things again just in a different way and I am bored to tears. I also dread the current project we are working on that's due in a few weeks-a research paper. As anyone who knows me can tell you, I really enjoy writing, but this is different. I actually have to go to the library!!! (Gasp!) I don't do school libraries very well. I really don't do public libraries very well either. I think all libraires should be organized and designed like Branes & Noble. I could stay in there all day and this project wouldn't be so scary to me. As for school libraries, I never really learned the Dewey Decimal System and the lights turn everything green...it's spooky. Ugh. So, Wednesday's are pretty carefree and a good place for me to be at this point in my life. Cheers to Wednesday's because they're not Thursday's.

Since my mom refuses to blog regularly, I will do one in her honor.

One thing you can always count on with my Mom is the ever-changing hair color. I truly believe she has been every shade of blonde, and even brunette once, throughout her life.

She was naturally a toe head as a toddler, dirty blonde with a magnificent bright blonde streak in the front of her head up until her teens and it wasn't long before one her good friends, Gail I think it was, got a hold of her and turned her dirty blonde with streak into one fully blonde head of electrifying hair. Since then my Mom has been everything from platinum, copper, honey, wheat, oat and canary. Isn't this starting to sound like a Kellogg's cereal!!??

My Mom's joke has always been that she's "worth it" much like Heather Locklear in those L'Oreal hair color ads. Heather is just one of many famous women whose hair has been the envy of my blonde ambitious mother, who has been on a lifelong journey for the "perfect blonde."

I really think her hair color directly relates to how my Mom is feeling in her life. Thinking back on that short-lived stint of short and dark brown, I believe my Mother was going through some new and different experiences at that time and her hair color definitely showed that. On my wedding day, my Mom showed her pride and excitement for me by coloring her hair a brilliant shade of canary. I thought it looked fabulous, especially with the 'do the hairdresser gave her for the day, but she wasn't so hot on those electrifying locks.

Quite the foil to my colorful Mother, my hair has not changed much at all in my almost 27 years. I was bright white as a child, as well, and I had nice dirty blonde with tempting streaks, nothing as fabulous as Mom's, up until college. But when I graduated from college and friends began referring to me as the "brunette friend," I suddenly felt what my Mom has probably felt all these years. When you see yourself as "worth it," a head-spinning, fun-loving blonde, only to be shockingly called a brunette, you find that part of the way you have seen yourself has been rattled. I knew something had to be done. Well, I didn't go quite as crazy as my Mom and her friends have gone on my Mom's hair all of these years, but I did begin getting timid "around the face highlights." Like my Mother, it makes me feel pretty and excited and, in a way, more like myself when I finish that re-blonding process.

These days my Mother has taken a more subdued view how she would like her hair color. I think she is more settled and comfortable with who she is and where she has come from. She has chosen this photo below as her inspiration for the latest hair experiment:

We are going together to get our hair done in about a month when she comes to visit. This is an event we've never shared together and I am very excited. Something that has been such a big part of who she is, will now be something I share with her.

Thanks, Mom, for all of the not-so-blonde moments and the electrifying memories. They say so much about the old soul, hippie chick that you are, as well as the chic, classy character that resides within you.

Here's to platinum memories and champagne dreams...

What does March mean to me?

March means the beginning of Spring. It means more birds chirping and less leaves falling, more sunshine and less clouds. March means special birthdays: my Mother, my friends, Barbara, Jami and Jenn, and my niece, Hannah. It means Spring Break, even when you're working every day of the week, you feel that Spring Break feeling.

March means it's almost time for another year of my life passed, Easter bunnies, candy and wearing white all to follow in April. It means we're further away from Valentine's Day, but closer to Christmas.

My how time flies...

Wishing you a Merry March.

Mia Marcia said...
Excellent, excellent post! Words I needed to hear, it's often very difficult to take a stand for the things that cause justifiable anger. Not to mention the fact that hiding other emotions behind anger gets you nowhere and will only cause additional anger! Thank you for your brilliant words! I wholeheartedly share your feelings about the two good reasons to get angry! I'm sending your blog link to everyone I know today! The world needs to read that post! You are my bright, shining, precious Princess Daughter! You never cease to amaze, enlighten and assist in my transformation! I Love You! M

A response to my blog entry from yesterday from my Mother. I'm glad my Mother, and hopefully others, understood what I was trying to convey yesterday. I was quite fired up about the subject and I was so hoping that I was clear in my thoughts and feelings. And in re-reading it, I came across yet another concept that makes me think and that is being vulnerable. Just typing these words makes my stomach churn a little bit and causes an emotional response. Being vulnerable is so crucial to true, honest, open communication and being vulnerable can truly make a difference in those one-on-one exchanges with people. Imagine saying, "You have really hurt my feelings by saying what you said/doing what you did" instead of "I can't believe you!! I am so pissed off!!!"

When I think of being open, honest and vulnerable, I think of my niece, Hannah, who is about to be 12 years old. She makes herself vulnerable with all of those that she loves. She's so honest and perceptive and she doesn't have all of that baggage and pride rolling around in her head telling her not to be vulnerable. She, obviously, doesn't quite realize she is being vulnerable, but I'm sure she feels a lot better in her honesty and forthright nature than those of us getting mad all over town. Hannah tells you when you've hurt her feelings or when something in the world just doesn't seem right to her. She is not afraid of how the expression of her feelings will land in the world of the person she's talking to. Hannah has great maturity for her years, but she still has the honesty and vulnerability of a child. What a gift she is in my life and all of those around her. She is my role model in so many ways.

What makes me angry?

We've been looking at anger in church these past few weeks and after hearing that anger is a positive emotion and hearing things in the sermons like, "get angry at the things that God gets angry about" and "use your anger to create positive change" and "fight for your spouse, not with your spouse" all of this really hit home. So, in thinking about the things that are really about anger and not about some other emotion, I find that there are only two things that really make me angry:

1. Rudeness

2. Unfairness

I could go on and on about each, but truly, these are the two things that make me angry and I mean them on a pretty large scale. The other things in life that I thought made me angry-idiot drivers, last minute change of plans, drafty windows, my husband eating the last ice cream cone-are really about other emotions and typically things I can't control. I see that if I only get upset over the two things that truly anger me and make me mad that my anger I did have could cause a really positive effect. Imagine getting angry and bringing about change over outright unfairness. We could take that so many different directions! And rudeness, what if I used my anger over outright rudeness, to make someone's day a little brighter?

If I really thought about my current anger, I would probably find that I'd be in tears a lot more than I am now, as half the time I am angry because of fear or because I am hurt. I don't voice those initial emotions, I simply allow those feelings to be turned into anger. Confusion, Confusion. If I commit to getting angry at the things God gets angry over, in an effort to make positive change, what a fantastic mission that would be.

I would like to say that I could make this re-assessment and change in all areas of my life, but I'm going to start with the anger in my marriage...most of which is not anger at all. I really don't care that my husband eats that last ice cream cone; I can buy more!! But the things that really bother me and make me feel fearful or that hurt my feelings, I need to experience those emotions for what they are...feel vulnerable enough to live it out instead of lashing out.

Doesn't it feel wonderful when you share a true, honest moment with a friend?

FRIENDS

Laughing together at something before the statement is even finished. Complete understanding of a silly moment or a faux pas. Your friend knows you better than you know yourself sometimes and helps you realize when you are right, wrong and completely confused. You experience it together without ever saying a word to one another something serious and dramatic. Friends are the family we choose-I completely agree. Friends are the glue that hold me together.

Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samanatha

SEX & THE CITY

I relish in those true, honest moments between friends. My friends are my rock, my therapy, my truth, my healing, my courage and my fun.

GREY'S ANATOMY

Some of the fictitious friends indicated here remind me of my own close friendships that mean everything to me. They show on the screen that bond that is bendable, but never broken. The up's, the down's, the sucesses, the losses. It is all of this that makes these entertainment programs and these characters so well-loved. It is these same things that make our real life relationships so well-loved.

Brrrrr....it's chilly in Dallas!! I love it. I thought I was ready for Spring, but I've decided that the cold is wonderful. I get to stay warm and cozy under the covers, by the fire. It's going to be a perfect stay-at-home, do-something-or-nothing-at-all around the house kind of weekend. YEA!!!

If you knew today was your last day on Earth...

Anyone who watched "Grey's Anatomy" the last couple of weeks will understand why I have chosen this as a blog topic. This show, though a drama with not-so-real characters and situations, really makes me think and really makes me feel. Every week I laugh, I cry, I get angry...I feel all of the emotions this "Hurricane" should be feeling in real life toward real life situations (see previous blog for Hurricane explanation). In essence, "Grey's Anatomy" is a good outlet for me. So, I wanted to take a few days after seeing the last show to ponder this question listed above. I was surprised at some of my answers.

If I knew this was my last day on Earth I would...

want to be alone for a while, really alone, to take it all in and think about my life.

want to tell the people I love why I love them and how I feel they can make a difference.

spend as much time as possible playing with my nieces and nephew. Tell them how much they mean to me, that I will miss them, that I am always with them and that they are the future. I would also really listen to them, honor their words, take their words with me.

sit and enjoy a long, luxurious meal with my best friend, my lover, my husband. We would talk about good times, laugh at silly jokes and simply enjoy each other until we could enjoy no more.

Now imagine today is not your last day on Earth, what will you do tomorrow?

The pastor of my church posed an interesting question yesterday. We are examining anger and how it can either be a good thing or a bad thing. The pastor said when our anger is expressed in a negative way, we can all be classified by how we express our anger using these certain weather conditions. Which one of these are you?:

Tornado-ripping through those in the way of their anger, Tornadoes leave nothing behind as their strike is without warning, severe and quick, while also somewhat selective. But tornadoes are also quick to recover themselves, the feeling of anger short-lived, at least for the Tornado.

Snow Storm-passive agressive and cold shouldered, Snow Storms typically feel like not saying anything at all and let others figure it out on their own...that is until the Snow Storm gets rough and it can be a frigid wind right in the face.

Thunderstorm-lots of rain and thunder, or emotion in the sense of crying and moaning and groaning, are the dominant patterns of the Thunderstorm, as are guilt and regret.

Hurricane-gathering up the rain, the wind, the thunder and waiting until it has all come together for one large devastating storm is the way of the Hurricane. Hurricane's come in a large wave, giving only slight hints of their arrival but making their full force, at the eye of the storm, known all too well.


I am a Hurricane. I sit pretty still and quiet most of the time, but when I let things stir and stir inside me until all of the elements are just right, I finally come ashore and beat heavily down on those I feel angered at. I flood the area with rain (emotion); I blow the roofs off of houses with the ripping wind (irrationality) and I cloud the skies with grey and black (sadness).

Let's hope our weather man, Ed Young, can help us learn how to channel these storms and weather patterns into rainbows.

For more on this topic from the sermon I heard yesterday, go to:

http://fellowshipchurch.com/currentseries

Can you tell that I'm an only child?

I went to lunch with a couple of work friends today and I was telling them about this new piece of clothing that I purchased for myself this week. I have been eyeing this piece of clothing for a while, knowing it was very expensive, so I concocted a plan with my mother and bought it as my 2006 "Happy Birthday to Me" gift. (Note: My birthday is not until April 16.) When I was talking to my two work friends about the purchase, they were shocked to learn about how expensive this purchase was. And when I say shocked, I mean one of them actually said, "I have NEVER bought anything that expensive-EVER!!" I was taken aback as I actually thought this was a rather typical price for a designer item of this calibre. So, I began to wonder: Am I crazy for finding something I truly, truly love and want and just buying it?!?! I may have to pay it off in a couple of payments, or have Mom help, but it's only once a year for my birthday.

All of this goes way back...
I learned early on from my lovely mother that it is better to spend money on one really good, quality item that you love than to spend a little bit of your money on a bunch of things that you kind of like that will only be out of style or falling apart. So, I have taken that to heart and made my own little tradition. Each year, around my birthday, I go back to something, or look for something, that would be out of the question most of the year, and I consider it my "Happy Birthday To Me" gift. Last year it was a fine silk pink evening gown that I wore to my organization's Gala event; the year before it was a pair of Jimmy Choo heels; the year before that it was a skirt I had been eyeing for a while-the list goes on and on. Not all of these items have been expensive, just a special, indulgent gift to myself.

It also goes back to being an only child, and very close to my grandparents. My birthday was always a HUGE deal. I always had a big birthday party, my favorite cake, lots of friends and gifts. I was always made to feel like I was the most special person for my birthday and it's a tough thing to grow out of, I will admit. Someone whose birthdays were not as big of a deal may not completely understand and they may call it selfish or silly.

Anyway, I just took my friends' reactions to somehow mean that I was out of line for spending as much as I did on myself. I don't think I was out of line at all, I mean, I know I'm worth it, right?

Some previous blogs needing a follow-up...

1. I wrote a blog a few weeks ago about my class at SMU that was beginning. It is one of the two required courses for the masters of liberal studies (previously known as "liberal arts"). I have to say that I am enjoying the professor quite a bit and I think I am learning a lot through her tips and tricks, but there is more busy work in this class than in any of the four others I have been in. I will take it like a trooper, but I am completely overwhelmed by it all right now.

2. After my trip to Houston in January, I wrote about anger. Anger that had affected me on the final day of my trip. It was only a few moments that put a damper on things for me and I failed to mention what a fantastic time my husband and I had there with my family. That really was not fair and it was quite unnerving for some of those who read this blog, knowing I had returned from seeing my family and written this. We spent so much time with my Mom who is happier now than she's been in a really long time. We also spent time with my grandparents who fill us with so much joy and gratitude for having them in our lives. It was really, really a great trip and I am sorry for having indicated otherwise.

3. The blog I wrote just yesterday talked about my nervousness in approaching my boss about a promotion. Surprisingly, he was very receptive and open to what I had to say and he agreed that we should allow Human Resources to look at my responsibilities and see where I stand position-wise and compensation-wise. Believe me, you will know it when/if this all comes through.

4. The update I am most saddened to write is about my friend Susan. She suffered a brain aneurysm three days after Christmas and has been at Zale Lipshy hospital in Dallas for a good while now. Susan has been through some improvements and then has suffered set backs. She is in a waking coma now where her eyes open and focus, but she responds very little. She has had a shunt put into her head to assist with the drainage of fluid off of her brain and it was placed incorrectly so they will have to go back in and re-align it once she is coherent and the seizures are under control. Reading the blog that Susan's husband writes about her daily progress is very helpful, but it is heart-wrenching, knowing this family is seeing their wife and mother, sister and daughter go through this. Please keep Susan and her family in your prayers.

Have you ever been really, really nervous about something you needed to do? Not something actually scary, but something that you needed to stand up for, maybe to a person of authority, something that you knew was the right thing, but that made you really nervous all the same?

I am about to step into my boss' office this morning and tell him why I believe I am being under-valued in my job and what I need from this organization in order to move forward from that feeling and go on with my good work here. It's not a fun task, but one I know is worth the knots in my stomach and the need to wear a turtleneck today (thank goodness it's cold outside!!) to hide whatever red splotches may appear while I am speaking with him.

I don't have trouble speaking my mind at any other time, with any other person, in any other situation than when it is this time, this person and this situation.

But I slept like a baby, woke up feeling refreshed and I even have one of my favorite songs in my head since waking up this morning. A favorite song that seems to be completely appropriate for what I am going through this morning-Michael Jackson's, "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough."

Love, Hate Relationship

I was so excited to get home last night and watch my recorded episode of "Grey's Anatomy." After being at a friend's house watching the Super Bowl on Sunday, I was too tired to watch the show live when I got home and I knew I had it on my Tivo To Do List to record. No worries.

So, I got home last night, put on my comfy pajamas, wrapped up on the couch and sat down to watch the show. It's supposed to be one of the best episodes ever and I can't wait!! I love this show. I realize when I get it on that the end of the Super Bowl has to be fast-forwarded through to get to the beginning of "Grey's" and I begin to worry. What if "Grey's" gets cut off because of the Super Bowl footage? Well, I get all into the show and forget about my worries, until the part where they are calling the bomb squad and have told everyone to evacuate the hospital...suddenly, at this tense, "edge of your seat" memoment the Tivo screen pops up asking "Do you want to delete?"

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say, I was completely pissed. With my yelling out, my husband became concerned, coming to the top of the stairs to check on me. "Are you alright?" he asked. "I heard you yell out." I told him my show stopped recording and he, in disgust at my childishness shook his head and walked away. No sympathy what-so-ever from my husband.

So, I picked up the phone and called a friend who would totally understand my hysteria and, just as I thought, she made me feel much better. It was then that I realized that this is the very reason I vowed not to get attached to any TV shows-if you miss an episode, you are devastated!!

So, my Love, Hate relationship with Tivo is just that...I love that I can catch my favorites at a moment's notice and watch them later with not even a hint of a commercial. But I hate how the technology is not perfect, can't read my mind and if you don't have it set-up just right, you might miss something.

I love "Grey's Anatomy," but I hate that I am so involved in the show that I literally yelled out in angst when the show cut off last night. That is just ridiculous.

James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

"I've been in television since I was 19-years-old and I have never been in this position. As you may have heard James Frey's best-selling book, A Million Little Pieces, came under fire on January 8 when the investigative web site, "The Smoking Gun," accused Frey of fabricating and wildly embellishing key parts of his work. (About her phone call to Larry King Live stating that she stands behind the basic principles of the book:) I regret that phone call. I made a mistake and I left the impression that the truth does not matter and I am deeply sorry about that, because that is not what I believe. I called in [to Larry King Live] because I love the message of this book and at the time and every day I was reading e-mail after e-mail from so many people who had been inspired by it and I have to say that I allowed that to cloud my judgement. So, to everyone who has challenged me on this issue of truth: you are absolutely right."-Oprah Winfrey

Don, a recovering addict in Oprah's audience, 9 months sober: "I could care less about the lies in the book. I stand by James one hundred percent. I know it's true because I went through it. I think it's unfortunate that [he] lied about specific parts, but the part about addiction, I assure you from people I have spoken to and millions of others Americans, [James] saved my life..."

I purchased James Frey's A Million Little Pieces memoir because Oprah and her staff talked so much and so highly about it. I picked it up and could not put it down. It's the first book in a really long time that had me at page 1. And though I believe in truth and honesty, I feel that nothing could change how powerful and exceptionally written this book is. Frey's experiences as an addict were not lies, neither was his pain and anguish during the six weeks he spent in rehab. These are the points that stuck out for me long before the controversy. I agree that putting something in the beginning of the book that says "Based on true events" might be helpful, but I still think this book is so important and so brutally intense that it can be very helpful and eye-opening to those experiencing the torment of addiction. This book helped me to understand the grips of addiction and the maniacal intensity of recovery. As someone who is not an addict, I really benefited from seeing things from the eyes of an addict/recovering addict, their family and friends, because I needed to see how my own friends and family have had to deal with this disease. I wholeheartedly recommend James Frey's book to everyone who has ever experienced, been curious about or seen addiction.

"I have never looked into the eyes of someone Jesus did not die for," Ed Young, Jr., senior pastor, Fellowship Church.

What a powerful statement. My life and times at Fellowship Church have been comprised of many powerful statements. Statements and convictions that really make me think, really make me take a look at my life and decide if I am living "it." The "it" I am speaking of is that light and life that comes from walking with Christ, having Him in your heart and truly believing in Him. If I were to see everyone I meet in the way described above, as someone Jesus died on the cross for, I would find that having ill feelings and negative thoughts toward another person may not be quite so easy.

On another note, I have found that I have fallen out of the habit of going to church. When I miss church, I feel somewhat empty and like something is missing. But it has become so easy not to go and I really hate that. So, I am writing about this on my blog to publicly re-commit myself to being a part of church again. I miss it so much, enjoy it so much and need it so much, there's no reason not to go.